I woke up, feeling a little nauseous. I put my hand over my stomach and ran to the bathroom. I cleaned my mouth out after I was done puking, and by that time my new roommate, Carson, was awake. "Were you throwing up?" She asked, eyeing me. I nodded and mumbled something about needing to go to the store. I threw on some skinny jeans, an over-sized sweater, and my moccasins. I grabbed the car keys off the kitchen table and headed out into the world. I went to the supermarket down the road, and found exactly what I was looking for. I picked up about five pregnancy tests, and a few bottles of water. I dialed Andrew's number. He picked up on the third ring with a casual, "Sup baby?"
"I've got news, big news." I had decided that telling him I might be pregnant would be better in person. "So come over."
"I'm on my way babe." He hung up. I paid for my things, got in my car, and drove back to my apartment. Andrew wasn't there yet, so I ran inside and locked myself in the bathroom. I already had to pee, so I opened up all of the tests, and developed a system so I could pee on each of them. I laid them out on the counter and waited. A knock on the bathroom door caught my attention though. "Bre, open up, it's me." Andrew called through the door.
"Just a minute." I called back, standing up and looking at the time. In 30 seconds they should give me the results. I bit my lip as the time ticked closer. I closed my eyes and then opened them, looking at all of the tests. My heart stopped when I saw the results. Every single one was positive. "Oh my god.." I whispered. I opened the bathroom door and let Andrew in. He saw the tests as soon as he walked in and shot me a worried look. I just nodded.
Surprisingly his face lit up. "You're pregnant?" He smiled, and I nodded in reply. I was still so shocked. My being pregnant isn't really a bad thing, it's just unexpected. Luckily for me, Andrew and I had never followed through with a divorce, so we're still married. He picked me up and hugged me. "I love you."
"I love you too." I smiled, kissing his nose. "I better tell Car." I walked out of the bathroom, and into the living room where Carson was watching TV. "Guess what!" I smiled.
"Whaaaaaat?" Carson asked, looking away from the TV.
"I'm pregnant." I smiled. She said she was happy for me and shit, and then I called Blair to tell her, then I called Dawn and James, and everyone else.
Maybe this baby will be good for Andrew and I. At least I hope so.
xox Bren
Monday, May 28, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I Feel Blissfully In Love, But It Could Be The Vodka
After a long day with Josh, all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep. But certain people had other plans for me. Dawn and Kyle called me up and asked if I wanted to go out. I can't turn down partying, so I said yes. I left my apartment and went over to the Brumley household. I expected there to be a lot of people there, but it was just Dawn, Cale, Kyle, and Me. They were already tokin' and drinking some Burnette's Vanilla Vodka. I sat down and took a swig, "Yummy." I smiled, taking another swig.
"Hey Bre!" Dawn smiled, throwing her arm around my shoulders and giving me a side hug. "I missed ya buddy!"
"I missed you too D-Dog." I laughed, taking the joint from her and hitting it. I blew the smoke out, practicing my smoke rings.
"Where were you earlier?" Kyle asked, taking the joint from me.
"Hanging out with Josh." I smiled, taking another swig of vodka. "You know, I really like this stuff."
"Take it, it grosses me out." Kyle smiled, "Who's Josh though?"
"My sort-of boyfriend. I introduced him as my boyfriend, but he hasn't officially asked me yet." I explained, taking another swig.
Then I heard the screen door slam and I turned my attention in the general direction. "It's probably just Andy, back from work." Cale said. Sure enough he was right, because Andrew walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, pausing at the back of his neck to scratch it. His eyes were closed and his face was pointing towards the ceiling. I felt my heart skip a beat. I hated that it still did that everytime he was around, like some part of me still belonged to him.
"Long day at work bro?" Kyle asked Andrew.
"Not even that, I'm just really stressed." Andrew answered, his eyes still closed.
"About?" Cale asked, passing Andrew the joint. Andrew put the end of it to his lips and inhaled. I watched him, my heart skipping beats. No matter how much I wanted to hate him, he was still a part of me. He wasn't necessarily a vital organ, but more of an extremity. I didn't need him, but functioning properly wasn't as easy without him.
"Bre." He answered, breathing the smoke out. "Her new boyfriend."
"You knew she wasn't going to wait around forever, you told her it was over. What did you expect her to do?" Kyle defended me. "Besides, they aren't dating."
"They aren't?" Andrew asked, opening his eyes for the first time. They didn't notice me at first because of my recently died blonde hair. But they quickly found me. "You guys didn't tell me she was here."
"Andrew..." I trailed off, standing up. I was a little wobbly from the vodka, so I took another sip. "Can we talk?" He thought about it for a moment, grabbed an unlit joint, and started for his bedroom. I followed him nervously, my palms were sweaty and my heart was beating fast. The sight of his room hit me hard, so many memories were made in these four walls, but couldn't I say the same about my apartment? His room just seemed so much more...private, like an extention of Andrew himself. He sat down on the bed, lighting the joint and taking a hit.
I sat across from him on the floor. He sighed, half-smiling. "Get up here, Bre."
My heart jumped. It was almost how things used to be, only it wasn't. We were both broken people.
Andrew grabbed a strand of my hair and twisted it between his fingers. "Just like the first time I met you." He smiled. For some reason that hit me hard, and I was holding back tears. They weren't really sad tears; they were the tears of the broken-hearted.
"I'm not dating Josh." It was the first thing I had said since we got to his room. He raised his eyebrow at me, and then before I could stop myself everything was being said. Every word, every action, taken back. I apologized for everything, tripping over words and stumbling through sentences. In the middle of all of my explaining I had finished the vodka. My head was spinning, and I stared at Andrew, hoping he believed me. Just hoping, really. That was all there was left to do. Hope.
"Don't think for one second that I never loved you." That was how it ended. I collapsed on the bed, not really caring if my dress had come up to high when I plopped down, not caring about anything except Andrew and myself. If he didn't believe me, if he turned me down, I could handle it. I'm a big girl. I managed before, I can manage again. This would be closure, if anything.
"I love you." Was all he said. The only words uttered after what seemed like a speech. But I just nodded, and he knew that I loved him too. Then he was next to me, pulling me against him, kissing me, holding me as tightly as he could. I knew then that this time he would try harder, because he couldn't lose me again, I meant too much to him. I knew this wasn't a good idea, but I was getting tired of sacrificing my happiness just so I would stay out of trouble. I wanted to be happy again.
xoxo Bren
"Hey Bre!" Dawn smiled, throwing her arm around my shoulders and giving me a side hug. "I missed ya buddy!"
"I missed you too D-Dog." I laughed, taking the joint from her and hitting it. I blew the smoke out, practicing my smoke rings.
"Where were you earlier?" Kyle asked, taking the joint from me.
"Hanging out with Josh." I smiled, taking another swig of vodka. "You know, I really like this stuff."
"Take it, it grosses me out." Kyle smiled, "Who's Josh though?"
"My sort-of boyfriend. I introduced him as my boyfriend, but he hasn't officially asked me yet." I explained, taking another swig.
Then I heard the screen door slam and I turned my attention in the general direction. "It's probably just Andy, back from work." Cale said. Sure enough he was right, because Andrew walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, pausing at the back of his neck to scratch it. His eyes were closed and his face was pointing towards the ceiling. I felt my heart skip a beat. I hated that it still did that everytime he was around, like some part of me still belonged to him.
"Long day at work bro?" Kyle asked Andrew.
"Not even that, I'm just really stressed." Andrew answered, his eyes still closed.
"About?" Cale asked, passing Andrew the joint. Andrew put the end of it to his lips and inhaled. I watched him, my heart skipping beats. No matter how much I wanted to hate him, he was still a part of me. He wasn't necessarily a vital organ, but more of an extremity. I didn't need him, but functioning properly wasn't as easy without him.
"Bre." He answered, breathing the smoke out. "Her new boyfriend."
"You knew she wasn't going to wait around forever, you told her it was over. What did you expect her to do?" Kyle defended me. "Besides, they aren't dating."
"They aren't?" Andrew asked, opening his eyes for the first time. They didn't notice me at first because of my recently died blonde hair. But they quickly found me. "You guys didn't tell me she was here."
"Andrew..." I trailed off, standing up. I was a little wobbly from the vodka, so I took another sip. "Can we talk?" He thought about it for a moment, grabbed an unlit joint, and started for his bedroom. I followed him nervously, my palms were sweaty and my heart was beating fast. The sight of his room hit me hard, so many memories were made in these four walls, but couldn't I say the same about my apartment? His room just seemed so much more...private, like an extention of Andrew himself. He sat down on the bed, lighting the joint and taking a hit.
I sat across from him on the floor. He sighed, half-smiling. "Get up here, Bre."
My heart jumped. It was almost how things used to be, only it wasn't. We were both broken people.
Andrew grabbed a strand of my hair and twisted it between his fingers. "Just like the first time I met you." He smiled. For some reason that hit me hard, and I was holding back tears. They weren't really sad tears; they were the tears of the broken-hearted.
"I'm not dating Josh." It was the first thing I had said since we got to his room. He raised his eyebrow at me, and then before I could stop myself everything was being said. Every word, every action, taken back. I apologized for everything, tripping over words and stumbling through sentences. In the middle of all of my explaining I had finished the vodka. My head was spinning, and I stared at Andrew, hoping he believed me. Just hoping, really. That was all there was left to do. Hope.
"Don't think for one second that I never loved you." That was how it ended. I collapsed on the bed, not really caring if my dress had come up to high when I plopped down, not caring about anything except Andrew and myself. If he didn't believe me, if he turned me down, I could handle it. I'm a big girl. I managed before, I can manage again. This would be closure, if anything.
"I love you." Was all he said. The only words uttered after what seemed like a speech. But I just nodded, and he knew that I loved him too. Then he was next to me, pulling me against him, kissing me, holding me as tightly as he could. I knew then that this time he would try harder, because he couldn't lose me again, I meant too much to him. I knew this wasn't a good idea, but I was getting tired of sacrificing my happiness just so I would stay out of trouble. I wanted to be happy again.
xoxo Bren
Monday, January 23, 2012
It's Meaningless To Me, You're A Meaningless Routine
"I told myself I wouldn't do this, that it wouldn't come to this. But I've got to stop pretending. I have to stop pretending I can do this, that I'm not scared of anyone or anything, that I'm getting better, that I can be alone." I paused, "I need to talk to you. So, please, come to my house at 4:30 this afternoon." I hung up the phone and leaned back into the couch. I left similiar voicemails for everyone else. Then I waited.
When 4:30 rolled around my house was packed, and all of the seats were taken; the couch, the chairs, the floor, every spot was filled - except one. I hadn't expected Andrew to show up, and he hadn't. I decided not to wait and see if he would show up either.
I looked into the eyes of the people I loved most, my friends and my family - the gang. I didn't think my plans would actually come through, so I was a bit speechless at first. I didn't know where to start, or what to say. I almost thought about telling everyone to go home, expecting them all to laugh at my deep dark secrets, and the fact that I actually needed someone for once. But I took a deep breath and jumped into it.
"Hi, everyone. The Curtis', The Matthews', The Winston's, The Ryder's, The Randle's, The Cade's, The Brumley's...well, the majority of the Brumley's, The Shepard's, and Mark." I sighed, looking around. "You guys, all of you, mean the world to me. I know I've done a lot of bad things to some of you, and I know I've been a bitch and I've fucked up and I'm sorry. But all of you, you're my family. Every single one of you means more to me than you can imagine." I stopped there because I heard the front door open. I turned my attention in the direction of the door and I saw Andrew walk in with some blonde girl on his arm. He smiled and took a seat beside his brothers. I swallowed and continued with what I was saying.
"That's why I wanted you to come here today. You all know about my problems, I don't eat, I'm fucking addicted to pills, I cut myself, I drink too much, I'm a mess. You know I act like I don't give a fuck, like I'm not scared of anything, but I am. I'm so scared of everything, my future, my relationships, money, my job, and so on. I just sit, alone in this house, and I worry. I worry so much that I almost have to take pills, and do drugs, and drink just so I can bear to be awake. Because sometimes it's easier to only be half-aware of the life you're living, especially if it's like mine.
But I don't want to keep living like this anymore. That's where you guys come in. I know this is a lot to ask of you, but just...hear me out, please. I want to change, I want to get better, and I want you guys to help me. Someone take my razors, someone take my pills and the alcohol, and someone make sure I eat 3 meals a day, please. Not a lot of people in my situation ask for help, but that's what I'm doing. I can't do this on my own anymore, I need you guys."
Everyone stayed and talked with me and eventually it was just me, Carson, Dawn, Andrew, the girl he brought, and Kyle. We were talking in the living room and I left to go get some food from the kitchen. When I got in there I noticed that Andrew had followed me.
"I like what you've done with the place." He smiled, trying to make small talk. I nodded and smiled, tapping my fingers on the counter. "So, how have you been? It's been so long since we've talked."
"You know how I've been." I said quietly. "But I'm going to get better."
"Oh yeah? I know you Bre, you'll get better, and then something will happen, and you'll fall again. It happens every time." He shook his head.
"Don't act like you know me." I scoffed. "I'm not the same girl you knew me to be."
"Oh really?" He asked, "You seem like the same girl to me. You're still broken, you're still hurting yourself. You still haven't found someone to fix you."
"But you have. Who is she?" I asked. I could hear my voice crack, right before the tears started down my cheeks.
"She's no one." He shook his head. "Some girl, she means nothing to me. I've only ever loved one girl, Breanna, and that was you."
"Why me?" I asked, trying to look strong despite my tears.
"You opened my eyes, you made me better, you were everything I wasn't. I loved you from the start." He smiled. I shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around what was going on. One minute he was tearing me down, and the next he was confessing his love for me. A knock on the door brought me back to my kitchen, and Andrew. I excused myself to go get it, thankful for the distraction.
I opened the door to find Josh on the front step. "Breanna, hello love. I hadn't heard from you, and decided to drop by. Oh, you have some company, maybe I should just go then.." Josh started back out the door but I stopped him.
"No, come in. It's just some friends, come, come." I smiled, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the apartment. I let the door close before walking him into the living room. I sat down on the couch, and Josh sat down next to me.
"Aren't you going to introduce us, Brenan?" Carson asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, silly me. Josh, this is Dawn, Kyle, Carson, Andrew, and what's-her-face." I smiled, "And everyone, this is my boyfriend, Josh."
xoxo, Bren
When 4:30 rolled around my house was packed, and all of the seats were taken; the couch, the chairs, the floor, every spot was filled - except one. I hadn't expected Andrew to show up, and he hadn't. I decided not to wait and see if he would show up either.
I looked into the eyes of the people I loved most, my friends and my family - the gang. I didn't think my plans would actually come through, so I was a bit speechless at first. I didn't know where to start, or what to say. I almost thought about telling everyone to go home, expecting them all to laugh at my deep dark secrets, and the fact that I actually needed someone for once. But I took a deep breath and jumped into it.
"Hi, everyone. The Curtis', The Matthews', The Winston's, The Ryder's, The Randle's, The Cade's, The Brumley's...well, the majority of the Brumley's, The Shepard's, and Mark." I sighed, looking around. "You guys, all of you, mean the world to me. I know I've done a lot of bad things to some of you, and I know I've been a bitch and I've fucked up and I'm sorry. But all of you, you're my family. Every single one of you means more to me than you can imagine." I stopped there because I heard the front door open. I turned my attention in the direction of the door and I saw Andrew walk in with some blonde girl on his arm. He smiled and took a seat beside his brothers. I swallowed and continued with what I was saying.
"That's why I wanted you to come here today. You all know about my problems, I don't eat, I'm fucking addicted to pills, I cut myself, I drink too much, I'm a mess. You know I act like I don't give a fuck, like I'm not scared of anything, but I am. I'm so scared of everything, my future, my relationships, money, my job, and so on. I just sit, alone in this house, and I worry. I worry so much that I almost have to take pills, and do drugs, and drink just so I can bear to be awake. Because sometimes it's easier to only be half-aware of the life you're living, especially if it's like mine.
But I don't want to keep living like this anymore. That's where you guys come in. I know this is a lot to ask of you, but just...hear me out, please. I want to change, I want to get better, and I want you guys to help me. Someone take my razors, someone take my pills and the alcohol, and someone make sure I eat 3 meals a day, please. Not a lot of people in my situation ask for help, but that's what I'm doing. I can't do this on my own anymore, I need you guys."
Everyone stayed and talked with me and eventually it was just me, Carson, Dawn, Andrew, the girl he brought, and Kyle. We were talking in the living room and I left to go get some food from the kitchen. When I got in there I noticed that Andrew had followed me.
"I like what you've done with the place." He smiled, trying to make small talk. I nodded and smiled, tapping my fingers on the counter. "So, how have you been? It's been so long since we've talked."
"You know how I've been." I said quietly. "But I'm going to get better."
"Oh yeah? I know you Bre, you'll get better, and then something will happen, and you'll fall again. It happens every time." He shook his head.
"Don't act like you know me." I scoffed. "I'm not the same girl you knew me to be."
"Oh really?" He asked, "You seem like the same girl to me. You're still broken, you're still hurting yourself. You still haven't found someone to fix you."
"But you have. Who is she?" I asked. I could hear my voice crack, right before the tears started down my cheeks.
"She's no one." He shook his head. "Some girl, she means nothing to me. I've only ever loved one girl, Breanna, and that was you."
"Why me?" I asked, trying to look strong despite my tears.
"You opened my eyes, you made me better, you were everything I wasn't. I loved you from the start." He smiled. I shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around what was going on. One minute he was tearing me down, and the next he was confessing his love for me. A knock on the door brought me back to my kitchen, and Andrew. I excused myself to go get it, thankful for the distraction.
I opened the door to find Josh on the front step. "Breanna, hello love. I hadn't heard from you, and decided to drop by. Oh, you have some company, maybe I should just go then.." Josh started back out the door but I stopped him.
"No, come in. It's just some friends, come, come." I smiled, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the apartment. I let the door close before walking him into the living room. I sat down on the couch, and Josh sat down next to me.
"Aren't you going to introduce us, Brenan?" Carson asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, silly me. Josh, this is Dawn, Kyle, Carson, Andrew, and what's-her-face." I smiled, "And everyone, this is my boyfriend, Josh."
xoxo, Bren
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