You Are My Only One

I woke up, sweat was dripping off of my forehead, making my bangs stick to the sides of my face. I sighed and pushed them away, got out of the bed, and went into the bathroom to look at myself. I looked at the clock first, 1 A.M.. I groaned and washed my face, there was no point in trying to go back to sleep, I wouldn't be able to. I had yet another nightmare. That's my seventh since I've been here.
I was a trainwreck. I was still losing weight, yet my mind was still telling me I was fat. Not to mention, I was cutting again. I looked in the mirror, picking out my flaws. My thighs were too big, my face was hideous, I was too fat. I ran my fingers over the cuts on my left arm. I turned away from the mirror, ashamed of myself. I put on a hoodie and grabbed my phone, then left to go find Mason.
He had become a good friend of mine, and ever since I started having nightmares he was there for me. I knocked on the door to his dorm, but no one answered. I knocked again, still no one answered, so I got the spare key and unlocked the door, walking into the room. There was one bunk bed, and two small single beds in the room. There were clothes all over the floor, and it smelled like cologne. I found Mason's bed and sat down on it. It barely shifted under my 90 pound body. I shook Mace awake.
He opened his eyes and looked at me, he just nodded knowingly and got up. He threw on a pair of sneakers and we headed out of the dorm. Every time I had a nightmare we went down to this little coffeeshop that was just up the street from the campus. We would sit in the booth in the front of the shop, and drink coffee. Today was no different.
I sat down in the booth while Mace went to get the coffee. He came back and set the coffee's down on the table, then flipped his blonde hair out of his eyes and smiled at me, sitting down.
"So, what was it about this time?" He asked, putting some creamer and sugar in his coffee. I closed my eyes and thought about it. All I could see was his face.
"I can't remember," I lied, putting sugar in my coffee. He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Really?" He laughed. I just smiled back and sipped on my coffee, staring out the window. The rest of the morning was spent in silence. At 6:00, when the sun started coming up, we headed back to the dorms.
"Thanks Mace," I smiled, standing in front of the door to Jamie's dorm. "For everything."
"Hey, no problem Bre." He smiled, pulling me into a hug. I hugged him back, but let go quickly.
"I should probably get inside..." I mumbled, opening the door and walking in. I didn't look to see if Mace was still there, I just slammed the door shut. The girl's were already up, so it didn't matter.
"Hey Bre, where were you?" Jamie asked, walking out of the bathroom.
"I went to get coffee." I replied, sitting down on the bed.
"Bre, are you okay?" Jamie asked, sitting beside me. It was such a simple question. But I couldn't answer it, because I wasn't fine, but I wasn't about to tell Jamie that.
"Yeah, just tired." I nodded, getting under the covers and pretending to fall asleep.
I waited for everyone to leave before I went through my bag, I was about to give up until I found it, I pulled out the ring and stared at it. I felt my heart contract as I held back tears. I choked once before I gave up and let the tears roll down my cheeks.
I curled up in a ball and just cried. I thought about how he was back in Tulsa, and how he probably had a new girlfriend that treated him right, and how he probably didn't even remember me. I thought about how I was sitting here, crying, because I couldn't forget him. Because I didn't really mean anything to him, but he was everything to me. I let myself get attatched too easily. I'm my own worst enemy.
So I sat there, all day, letting myself recall every little memory, to the point where I was using every bit of my energy to cry, and then eventually, when I was out of energy, I would fall asleep. But I knew I would wake up soon, due to another nightmare.

Love, Breanna Lynn Parker.

I Hate This Town, It's So Washed Up And All My Friends Don't Give A Fuck

5 days. It had been 5 days since I had been in the hospital. I was bored out of my mind, no one came to visit, and the nurses gave me dirty looks. One of them even lectured me on not eating, and how it got me into this mess. It went a lot like this:
"I bet you wish you would've eaten now, don't you? Here you lay, dying. While all of your friends are out enjoying their lives, and not caring about you." She scoffed.
"My friends care." I whispered, I didn't have a lot of energy to talk.
"Oh really? Don't you think that if they cared they would be here, visiting you?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. She was an older woman. She was obviously bitter.
"Well..." I trailed off. She had me there. If my "friends" did care, they'd be here. But I knew I didn't have any friends anymore. After all the shit I'd done to them, they all hated me now, like they should. I didn't blame them. She put a food tray and a drink down on the little table by my bed and then walked out of the room. I took the top off of my food tray and examined it, grilled cheese and french fries.
I didn't touch it, I simply put the lid back on and got out of bed. I slowly made my way to the bathroom, grabbing my clothes from a shelf. I didn't have a lot of energy, so it took me a little while, but I made it out of the hospital without anyone noticing. They should really do their jobs better, those nurses.
I got a cab, told him my address, and then watched the familiar streets of Tulsa go by as we made our way to my apartment. I paid the cabbie and got out of the cab, I heard him drive away as I made my way up to my door. I saw Pierce and some girl kissing outside of his apartment. I rolled my eyes and opened my door. The first thing I noticed was the mess. The second thing I noticed were all of the empty pill bottles on the counter. Oh god, did I really take that many pills? I ran up to my room, and got out my suitcase. I stuffed all of my clothes in it, got all the shit I needed, put Theo in his cage and then took him and everything else to my car.
I got in the drivers seat and backed out of my parking space. I sped all the way out of Oklahoma. I was leaving it and all of it's depressing shit behind, and going to see Jamie at Yale.

It took forty fucking years, but I finally made it to Yale. I parked my car, and then made my way to the admissions office. Some old man was sitting at the desk, looking bored.
"How may I help you?" He asked, not looking up from a stack of papers.
"I'm looking for Alexandra Mathews." I smiled, leaning over the counter thing.
"Ma'am, we don't do that here. We only enroll students." The man looked up.
"Come on dude, I know you know where her dorm is!" I whined, running a hand through my hair. He sighed and gave me her dorm number. I thanked him and then left to go to her dorm.
I found the building she was in, went inside, figured out how the fucking number system works, and then made my way to her room. I ran up to her door and knocked as loud as I could, which was pretty loud.
Some blonde chick opened the door, "Hello?" She asked.
"Is Jamie here?" I asked, fixing my satchel. She turned around and yelled for Jamie. I bounced on my feet until Jamie came into my sight.
I immediately threw my arms around her. "ALEXANDER! I MISSED YOU!" I yelled in her ear. She pushed me away and complained about how much her ear hurt.
"Ow Bre, that really hurt." She whined. I rolled my eyes and smiled.
"You'll get over it, bro." I smiled, following her into her dorm.
"So, what exactly are you doing here, Bren?" Jamie asked, sitting on what I guessed was her bed.
"Well, Tulsa sucks dick. So I came to see you. I snuck out of the hospital, so you should feel loved." I smiled.
"What!? Why were you in the hospital?!" Jamie yelled.
"Oh you know, the norm. Not eating. Apparently I'm dying, I probably shouldn't be here." I laughed, sitting down next to her. "But here I ammmmm."
"You're retarded." Jamie sighed, smiling at me. I stuck my tongue out at her. "OH! by the way, this is Emma, and...here comes Shelby." Jamie said, introducing me to her roommates. "Shayla's around here somewhere..." Jamie trailed off. Then a ginger walked into the room, and Jamie smiled. "There she is!"
We sat around and talked for a while, until Jamie brought up my stuff. So we went down to the parking lot and got my things. "Jesus Bre, how much did you bring?!" Jamie asked, grabbing a suitcase.
"Uhhh, everything?" I smiled, grabbing two bags and handing one to Shayla. Shelby and Emma each took one and then I got Theo. We walked back to the dorm, and discussed living arrangements.
"I guess you'll have to share with me, Bre." Jamie sighed, sitting my bag down in the room.
"Suh-weet!" I smiled, hugging her. "Did I ever tell you you're the best friend ever?" I smiled. She rolled her eyes and laughed. I think it'll be nice living here for a while, maybe I won't die.

Love, Bren.

Before You Go, Could You Love Me Just A Little Bit More?

I grabbed a jug of apple juice out of the fridge, slammed the door shut, and then started chugging my juice. I put the lid back on the half-empty bottle and left it on the counter. I walked up the stairs and into my bedroom, grabbing a bottle of pain-killers on the way. I read the label, not really letting the information soak in.
I twisted the lid and dropped 7 or 8 pills into my hand, I can't even remember now. It could've been more, it probably was. I swallowed them and then continued on with what I was doing, finishing the journey to my room. I took off my baggy sweats and my now ten-sizes-too-big t-shirt. The funny thing was, the shirt fit me just a month or two ago. Maybe it got stretched out.
I put on a new pair of jeans, that fit my now stick-like legs. I put on a tank-top and threw a sweatshirt on over top of it. I made my way back to the stairs, I started to get dizzy about half way down, so I stopped and tried to balance myself. The last thing I actually remember was falling down the stairs, and then it was all black for a long time.

When I woke up I was in a dark room, and I was hooked up to something. I noticed I was in one of those ugly hospital gowns. You know the ones that aren't connected in the back, except for a few strings, so the whole world can see your 'lovely' ass. I heard people talking outside of my door, and then heard the knob turn, so I pretended to be asleep again.
"...She's dying." I heard a man say, I assumed he was the doctor.
"Can't you save her?" Someone asked. I couldn't recognize the voice. I didn't really care. I had pushed everyone in my life away, I didn't have anyone anymore. So who could care if I was on my deathbed? Who would be that fucking stupid?
"I'm sorry, I don't think we can. She's been living on pills and apple juice for the past few months. She's run her body down. The pills have been eating at her stomach, she's going to die." The doctor stated. I could hear it in his voice, I was close to death. On the verge. I probably wouldn't make it a few more days.
"You have to save her!" The person yelled, and then I heard something crash. Then it was quiet. No one was in the room anymore when I opened my eyes. I was all alone. I had gotten used to it, over the past few months. Being alone, that is. No one really came around that much anymore, I don't blame them though. I laid in bed, thinking.
I was going to die, and from the way the doctor said it I knew I was going to die soon. I didn't cry, or get scared. I just laid there. I knew somewhere inside of me, I was terrified, because I was shaking. But then again, I could've just been cold. I was hoping for the first one, I didn't want to die. I think that in my mind, I was holding on to that it's-too-crazy-and-insane-to-be-true-so-I-must-have-dreamt-it-thing.
I looked down at my IV, and took it out. I was dying anyways, it didn't really matter. Like the doctor said, they can't do anything to save me.

Breanna.