Monday, May 28, 2012

Let Me Be Your Everlasting Light

I woke up, feeling a little nauseous. I put my hand over my stomach and ran to the bathroom. I cleaned my mouth out after I was done puking, and by that time my new roommate, Carson, was awake. "Were you throwing up?" She asked, eyeing me. I nodded and mumbled something about needing to go to the store. I threw on some skinny jeans, an over-sized sweater, and my moccasins. I grabbed the car keys off the kitchen table and headed out into the world. I went to the supermarket down the road, and found exactly what I was looking for. I picked up about five pregnancy tests, and a few bottles of water. I dialed Andrew's number. He picked up on the third ring with a casual, "Sup baby?"
"I've got news, big news." I had decided that telling him I might be pregnant would be better in person. "So come over."
"I'm on my way babe." He hung up. I paid for my things, got in my car, and drove back to my apartment. Andrew wasn't there yet, so I ran inside and locked myself in the bathroom. I already had to pee, so I opened up all of the tests, and developed a system so I could pee on each of them. I laid them out on the counter and waited. A knock on the bathroom door caught my attention though. "Bre, open up, it's me." Andrew called through the door.
"Just a minute." I called back, standing up and looking at the time. In 30 seconds they should give me the results. I bit my lip as the time ticked closer. I closed my eyes and then opened them, looking at all of the tests. My heart stopped when I saw the results. Every single one was positive. "Oh my god.." I whispered. I opened the bathroom door and let Andrew in. He saw the tests as soon as he walked in and shot me a worried look. I just nodded.
Surprisingly his face lit up. "You're pregnant?" He smiled, and I nodded in reply. I was still so shocked. My being pregnant isn't really a bad thing, it's just unexpected. Luckily for me, Andrew and I had never followed through with a divorce, so we're still married. He picked me up and hugged me. "I love you."
"I love you too." I smiled, kissing his nose. "I better tell Car." I walked out of the bathroom, and into the living room where Carson was watching TV. "Guess what!" I smiled.
"Whaaaaaat?" Carson asked, looking away from the TV.
"I'm pregnant." I smiled. She said she was happy for me and shit, and then I called Blair to tell her, then I called Dawn and James, and everyone else.
Maybe this baby will be good for Andrew and I. At least I hope so.
xox Bren

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I Feel Blissfully In Love, But It Could Be The Vodka

After a long day with Josh, all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep. But certain people had other plans for me. Dawn and Kyle called me up and asked if I wanted to go out. I can't turn down partying, so I said yes. I left my apartment and went over to the Brumley household. I expected there to be a lot of people there, but it was just Dawn, Cale, Kyle, and Me. They were already tokin' and drinking some Burnette's Vanilla Vodka. I sat down and took a swig, "Yummy." I smiled, taking another swig.
"Hey Bre!" Dawn smiled, throwing her arm around my shoulders and giving me a side hug. "I missed ya buddy!"
"I missed you too D-Dog." I laughed, taking the joint from her and hitting it. I blew the smoke out, practicing my smoke rings.
"Where were you earlier?" Kyle asked, taking the joint from me.
"Hanging out with Josh." I smiled, taking another swig of vodka. "You know, I really like this stuff."
"Take it, it grosses me out." Kyle smiled, "Who's Josh though?"
"My sort-of boyfriend. I introduced him as my boyfriend, but he hasn't officially asked me yet." I explained, taking another swig.
Then I heard the screen door slam and I turned my attention in the general direction. "It's probably just Andy, back from work." Cale said. Sure enough he was right, because Andrew walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, pausing at the back of his neck to scratch it. His eyes were closed and his face was pointing towards the ceiling. I felt my heart skip a beat. I hated that it still did that everytime he was around, like some part of me still belonged to him.
"Long day at work bro?" Kyle asked Andrew.
"Not even that, I'm just really stressed." Andrew answered, his eyes still closed.
"About?" Cale asked, passing Andrew the joint. Andrew put the end of it to his lips and inhaled. I watched him, my heart skipping beats. No matter how much I wanted to hate him, he was still a part of me. He wasn't necessarily a vital organ, but more of an extremity. I didn't need him, but functioning properly wasn't as easy without him.
"Bre." He answered, breathing the smoke out. "Her new boyfriend."
"You knew she wasn't going to wait around forever, you told her it was over. What did you expect her to do?" Kyle defended me. "Besides, they aren't dating."
"They aren't?" Andrew asked, opening his eyes for the first time. They didn't notice me at first because of my recently died blonde hair. But they quickly found me. "You guys didn't tell me she was here."
"Andrew..." I trailed off, standing up. I was a little wobbly from the vodka, so I took another sip. "Can we talk?" He thought about it for a moment, grabbed an unlit joint, and started for his bedroom. I followed him nervously, my palms were sweaty and my heart was beating fast. The sight of his room hit me hard, so many memories were made in these four walls, but couldn't I say the same about my apartment? His room just seemed so much more...private, like an extention of Andrew himself. He sat down on the bed, lighting the joint and taking a hit.
I sat across from him on the floor. He sighed, half-smiling. "Get up here, Bre."
My heart jumped. It was almost how things used to be, only it wasn't. We were both broken people.
Andrew grabbed a strand of my hair and twisted it between his fingers. "Just like the first time I met you." He smiled. For some reason that hit me hard, and I was holding back tears. They weren't really sad tears; they were the tears of the broken-hearted.
"I'm not dating Josh." It was the first thing I had said since we got to his room. He raised his eyebrow at me, and then before I could stop myself everything was being said. Every word, every action, taken back. I apologized for everything, tripping over words and stumbling through sentences. In the middle of all of my explaining I had finished the vodka. My head was spinning, and I stared at Andrew, hoping he believed me. Just hoping, really. That was all there was left to do. Hope.
"Don't think for one second that I never loved you." That was how it ended. I collapsed on the bed, not really caring if my dress had come up to high when I plopped down, not caring about anything except Andrew and myself. If he didn't believe me, if he turned me down, I could handle it. I'm a big girl. I managed before, I can manage again. This would be closure, if anything.
"I love you." Was all he said. The only words uttered after what seemed like a speech. But I just nodded, and he knew that I loved him too. Then he was next to me, pulling me against him, kissing me, holding me as tightly as he could. I knew then that this time he would try harder, because he couldn't lose me again, I meant too much to him. I knew this wasn't a good idea, but I was getting tired of sacrificing my happiness just so I would stay out of trouble. I wanted to be happy again.
xoxo Bren

Monday, January 23, 2012

It's Meaningless To Me, You're A Meaningless Routine

"I told myself I wouldn't do this, that it wouldn't come to this. But I've got to stop pretending. I have to stop pretending I can do this, that I'm not scared of anyone or anything, that I'm getting better, that I can be alone." I paused, "I need to talk to you. So, please, come to my house at 4:30 this afternoon." I hung up the phone and leaned back into the couch. I left similiar voicemails for everyone else. Then I waited.
When 4:30 rolled around my house was packed, and all of the seats were taken; the couch, the chairs, the floor, every spot was filled - except one. I hadn't expected Andrew to show up, and he hadn't. I decided not to wait and see if he would show up either.
I looked into the eyes of the people I loved most, my friends and my family - the gang. I didn't think my plans would actually come through, so I was a bit speechless at first. I didn't know where to start, or what to say. I almost thought about telling everyone to go home, expecting them all to laugh at my deep dark secrets, and the fact that I actually needed someone for once. But I took a deep breath and jumped into it.
"Hi, everyone. The Curtis', The Matthews', The Winston's, The Ryder's, The Randle's, The Cade's, The Brumley's...well, the majority of the Brumley's, The Shepard's, and Mark." I sighed, looking around. "You guys, all of you, mean the world to me. I know I've done a lot of bad things to some of you, and I know I've been a bitch and I've fucked up and I'm sorry. But all of you, you're my family. Every single one of you means more to me than you can imagine." I stopped there because I heard the front door open. I turned my attention in the direction of the door and I saw Andrew walk in with some blonde girl on his arm. He smiled and took a seat beside his brothers. I swallowed and continued with what I was saying.
"That's why I wanted you to come here today. You all know about my problems, I don't eat, I'm fucking addicted to pills, I cut myself, I drink too much, I'm a mess. You know I act like I don't give a fuck, like I'm not scared of anything, but I am. I'm so scared of everything, my future, my relationships, money, my job, and so on. I just sit, alone in this house, and I worry. I worry so much that I almost have to take pills, and do drugs, and drink just so I can bear to be awake. Because sometimes it's easier to only be half-aware of the life you're living, especially if it's like mine.
But I don't want to keep living like this anymore. That's where you guys come in. I know this is a lot to ask of you, but just...hear me out, please. I want to change, I want to get better, and I want you guys to help me. Someone take my razors, someone take my pills and the alcohol, and someone make sure I eat 3 meals a day, please. Not a lot of people in my situation ask for help, but that's what I'm doing. I can't do this on my own anymore, I need you guys."

Everyone stayed and talked with me and eventually it was just me, Carson, Dawn, Andrew, the girl he brought, and Kyle. We were talking in the living room and I left to go get some food from the kitchen. When I got in there I noticed that Andrew had followed me.
"I like what you've done with the place." He smiled, trying to make small talk. I nodded and smiled, tapping my fingers on the counter. "So, how have you been? It's been so long since we've talked."
"You know how I've been." I said quietly. "But I'm going to get better."
"Oh yeah? I know you Bre, you'll get better, and then something will happen, and you'll fall again. It happens every time." He shook his head.
"Don't act like you know me." I scoffed. "I'm not the same girl you knew me to be."
"Oh really?" He asked, "You seem like the same girl to me. You're still broken, you're still hurting yourself. You still haven't found someone to fix you."
"But you have. Who is she?" I asked. I could hear my voice crack, right before the tears started down my cheeks.
"She's no one." He shook his head. "Some girl, she means nothing to me. I've only ever loved one girl, Breanna, and that was you."
"Why me?" I asked, trying to look strong despite my tears.
"You opened my eyes, you made me better, you were everything I wasn't. I loved you from the start." He smiled. I shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around what was going on. One minute he was tearing me down, and the next he was confessing his love for me. A knock on the door brought me back to my kitchen, and Andrew. I excused myself to go get it, thankful for the distraction.
I opened the door to find Josh on the front step. "Breanna, hello love. I hadn't heard from you, and decided to drop by. Oh, you have some company, maybe I should just go then.." Josh started back out the door but I stopped him.
"No, come in. It's just some friends, come, come." I smiled, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the apartment. I let the door close before walking him into the living room. I sat down on the couch, and Josh sat down next to me.
"Aren't you going to introduce us, Brenan?" Carson asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, silly me. Josh, this is Dawn, Kyle, Carson, Andrew, and what's-her-face." I smiled, "And everyone, this is my boyfriend, Josh."

xoxo, Bren

Sunday, August 14, 2011

keep your hopes up high, and your head down low

I was leaning up against the back of Buck's bar, smoking a cig, when some Soc walked up to me.
"Aren't you on the wrong side of town?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. He just scoffed, walking over to me. He placed an arm around my shoulders, and leaned in real close. I could smell his cologne, it filled my lungs, and it was way too strong. I coughed, causing him to back away from me. He scowled and wrapped him arm around my shoulders again, this time he put his hand over my mouth and forcefully dragged me away from the bar. I tried to scream, but my cries for help were muffled underneath his hand. I tried to bite him, but it didn't seem to phase him. I started kicking and squirming, which only made him angrier.
"Stop it, bitch." He ordered at me. I squirmed one more time, then gave up. When he put me down, I would make a run for it. But he didn't put me down. He carried me from Buck's place to a warehouse on the other side of town. He pulled me inside, flipping on a light switch. The warehouse was rather empty, except for a few boxes here and there. He finally put me down, and that's when I tried to make my escape, but it didn't work. His muscular arm came down in front of me, blocking me from moving any further, and hit me in the stomach - hard.
I fell backwards as the air was knocked out of me. He took advantage of this and pulled me off of the ground, gripping my arm tightly. He violently shoved me, and I remembered the knife I had in my pocket. Thank God I had decided to bring it with me tonight. He had me against the wall, and I could feel the cool metal of the warehouse through my shirt. He curled his fingers around the hem of my shirt and pulled upwards, ripping it off of me. He pushed me against the wall even harder as he leaned into me. His lip grazed my collar bone, and I felt an uneasy knot in my stomach. I tried to shove him off, but he had at least 150 pounds on me.
His hands reached for the button on my jeans, and he worked it open, pulling my jeans down my thighs. He pulled me away from the wall, and put his hand on the back of my neck. I glared at him, and he pushed me across the warehouse, making me trip over my jeans. I landed on the concrete floor of the warehouse. I glared up at him as he walked over to me. He leaned over me, reaching for my arm. I slapped his hand, making him even angrier. He grabbed my wrist, and twisted, pulling me off of the floor. I pulled my jeans up with my free hand, and crashed against his chest. He put his hands on my throat, squeezing tightly. I fumbled in my pocket for my knife, and finally grabbed ahold of it.
I pulled it out of my pocket and stabbed him with it. His hold on my neck went slack, and I looked into his eyes, they were dull, and the next thing I know he's on the ground, blood puddling out around him. I gasped, and realized where my knife was protruding. I killed him. I grabbed the knife, and scrambled through my pockets for my phone. I dialed Jamie's number, hoping she picked up.
"Hello?" She answered.
"Jamie...Jamie...oh my God. Jamie." I was gasping and crying and shaking. I was terrified. I didn't want to go to jail.
"Brenan, where are you? What happened? Calm down." Jamie ordered.
"I'm in some warehouse on the other side of town. Some Soc tried to...I killed somebody Jamie." I whispered, shaking. I wiped some tears from my cheeks, and looked for my shirt. I noticed it on the floor, it had a big hole in it.
"YOU WHAT?!" She screamed.
"I didn't mean to, it was an accident, and he was trying to molest me and oh my God James, I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do." I started crying harder.
"Call Kyle. He'll help you." Jamie sighed.
"Okay," I cleared my throat and hung up the phone. I dialed Kyle's number, and looked around anxiously until he answered.
"What's up?" I heard him say.
"Kyle, it's me, Bren." My voice cracked and I started crying again.
"Bre, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He asked. I heard people in the background and I figured he was with some friends.
"Can you come to the warehouse on the other side of town? Like, now? Oh, and bring me a shirt, please." I asked, getting scared more and more each second.
"I'll be there in 10." I heard him say before hanging up.
10 minutes later Kyle strolled into the warehouse, with a shirt in one hand. He didn't notice the body until he was closer to me. I heard him curse under his breath as he quickened his pace. He looked at me once before handing me the shirt. I slipped it on over my head, but continued to shake.
"Bre, calm down, it'll be okay. I'll take care of everything." Kyle wrapped an arm around my shoulders, holding me against his side. "Want to explain what happened?"
"I was behind Buck's place, smoking after a game of pool, when this guy walked up to me. He grabbed me and carried me here. He tried know, and then I stabbed him. I didn't mean to kill him." I started crying. I felt so vulnerable.
"Come on, help me get him to my car. We can keep him someplace until early, and then we can bury him." Kyle sighed, grabbing ahold of the guys legs. I grabbed his arms and we lifted him off the floor. Getting him to the car was easy, it was getting him in the trunk that was hard. We finally did it though, and Kyle drove us to Buck's place. He ran inside and quickly explained to Buck what had happened, and asked if we could keep him in the storage room for an hour or two. Buck and Kyle took him into the storage room, and when they were done, Kyle and I sat at the bar until around 3.
We took the body out to the country, and buried him there. The whole ride home Kyle kept asking if I was okay.
"Are you sure you're okay? Do you want me to stay here tonight?" Kyle asked. We were sitting in front of my apartment, and I was playing with the hem of the shirt Kyle had given me.
"You can if you want." I whispered, looking up at him. He smiled at me, and stood up. I stood up, too, fishing the key out of my pocket.
I unlocked the front door and walked inside, with Kyle following me.
"Bre, it's going to be okay. No one's going to find out. It'll be our little secret, okay?" Kyle smiled, leaning against the kitchen counter. I nodded, and hoped he was right.
xoxo, Bren.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

hoping for the best, but expecting the worst

I walked with Jamie to Buck's place, listening as she chatted on and on about Vince. I started to tune her out when Buck's place came into view. I saw a few people in the gang outside the door, smoking. As I got closer I realized it was Andrew, Dallas, Luke, Kyle, and some girl that was hanging all over him.
"Happy Birthday Bre," Kyle smiled, nodding in my direction. I nodded back, biting my lip. The others told me Happy Birthday, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy giving the girl Kyle brought dirty looks. Jamie noticed and took me inside. I noticed everyone else in the gang was inside, drinking and having a good time. They all noticed me and yelled Happy Birthday.
I didn't really drink much, I was too distracted. I was in the middle of my first drink when someone's arm was thrown around my shoulders. I turned to see one Kyle Brumley.
"Happy Birthday Bre," He smiled at me, hugging me.
"You already said that." I laughed, blushing. Why was I blushing?
"I can't say it twice?" He asked, smiling wider.
"Nope," I joked, shaking my head.
"Too bad, I do what I want." He laughed.
"No, you do what I tell you to do." I joked again.
"Yeah right, bitch. More like the other way around." He smiled down at me, then he looked over to his left and excused himself.
I watched him walk away, looking for whoever he brought tonight. Suddenly Jamie was in front of me.
"Bre." She smiled.
"Jamie, what do you want?" I asked, feeling sad.
"I just saw you and Brums, what's going on there?" She asked, sitting next to me on a stool.
"Nothing, he doesn't like me like that." I shook my head.
"How do you know?"
"I don't, I'm assuming."
"Why don't you find out for sure?" Jamie smirked.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, a little scared.
"Kiss him." She winked.
"No, no, no. He'll hate me forever." I shook my head.
"I doubt it." Jamie smiled, "You've kissed before, haven't you?"
"Yeah...but it was different then." I shook my head. "You don't understand."
"Yes I do, you liiiiiiike him." Jamie scoffed, smiling.
"Shut up. Someone might hear you." I rolled my eyes. We talked for a little while, until everyone started playing a game that was a mix of truth or dare and spin the bottle. We sat in a circle, and it was in boy-girl-boy-girl order. So Kyle was on my right, while Luke sat on my left. Jamie was sitting across from me in the circle, an evil smile on her face.
Everytime Jamie spun the bottle I hoped it didn't land on me, because either way she could make me either confess my feelings, or kiss Kyle. I've never been a lucky person, like..ever. So I wasn't too surprised when Jamie spun and it landed on me.
"Truth or dare, Bre?" Jamie smirked. I thought about it, and chose dare. "I dare kiss Kyle." I looked over at Kyle, who happened to be sitting next to me, and hoped he was drunk like everyone else so he wouldn't remember this.
I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as he moved closer to me. I looked into his eyes, and hated that we had to kiss like this, over a dare. I bit my lip and looked over at Jamie, who was smiling smugly. I quickly pressed my lips to Kyle's before pulling away and sitting the way I was, but Kyle was staring at me. Jamie rolled her eyes at me as I smiled.
I spun the bottle, watching as it landed on Johnny, who picked truth. The game continued on as if nothing had happened. I tried to act like it was no big deal as I looked over at Kyle, who had his attention elsewhere. I smiled, wishing I hadn't pulled away so quickly.

Bren xoxo

Monday, July 11, 2011

i'm taking one step towards you, baby

I sighed and walked out into the fresh air, I was finally free from that hell-hole hospital. I had started eating again. As much as I hated it, I wanted out. I got a cab back to my place, got my things together, loaded up my car, and made my way back to Yale to see Jamie. It took forever, but I finally got there. I ran to Jamie's dorm and knocked on the door. She opened it up, her eyes getting wide as she saw me.
"Bre, what are you doing here? I thought you were in the hospital in Tulsa! When did you get out?!" She screamed, hugging me.
"Earlier today, actually." I laughed, scratching my head. "I came here as soon as I was let out."
I looked around the room, noticing her roommates were not there.
"I can't believe they let you out." Jamie shook her head, smiling.
"I started eating." I shrugged, acting like it was no big deal.
"WHAT?!" She screamed, hugging me. "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE NOW!"
"Jamie, chill." I laughed, getting her off of me.
"Whoa, what's going on in here?" I heard a guy ask. Jamie and I looked towards the door. It was Mason and some guy I didn't know. "We heard someone screaming and came to check it out."
"That was Jamie." I pointed, laughing. Jamie just gave me a look, and I stopped.
"Vince, what are you doing here?" Jamie asked.
"I came to ask you out on a date." Vince winked at Jamie. I could tell she didn't want to, so I decided to speak up.
"How about a double date? You and James, Mason and I." I offered, looking over at Jamie. She gave me a small smile and I knew I had done her a favor.
"Sure, I'm fine with it." Mason shrugged. Vince nodded and then both of the guys left, giving us time to get ready. I went to my car and got my bags while Jamie showered. By the time I had everything in the room she was out of the shower, so I got in and cleaned up. She was done fixing her hair by the time I got out of the shower. I fixed my hair while she picked out an outfit. By the time I was done fixing my hair she had an outfit on and was starting to help me pick out an outfit. I made Jamie wear a dress, while I wore a pair of skinny jeans, a tank top, and a jacket. Once we were dressed, we both brushed our teeth and by the time we were ready, it was about 30 minutes before the guys said they'd show up. So Jamie and I decided to catch up.
"So, who's this Vince fellow?" I asked, folding some shirts.
"Some jackass I met one night when I was drunken," She sighed, playing with her phone. I guessed she was talking to someone back home.
"Cute," I laughed, putting my suitcase back on the floor. We talked about nonsense until the boys came back to our room at 7:00.


Vince and Mason took us to a very nice restaurant. Jamie and I sat beside each other, while Vince and Mason sat across from us. Mason kept trying to play footsie with me, but I ignored him. I had more important things on my mind. We ordered our food and ate, Vince and Jamie flirted, and I think by the end of dinner, Jamie was actually starting to like him.
Vince and Jamie drove back to the campus, but Mason insisted on walking me back.
"So where have you been for the past couple of weeks?" Mason asked, looking over at me as we walked.
"The hospital." I answered, not looking at him.
"What? Why?" He asked, concerned.
"I attempted suicide, and I hadn't eaten anything in the past couple months." I shrugged like it was no big deal, which it kinda wasn't.
"Why would you do that?" He asked.
"It's a long story, and I really don't have time to tell it to you." I wanted to get away from him, but I didn't know my way around this place. We finally made it to the dorm building, and I thought I could get away from him. I was mistaken. He moved closer to me, pushing me up against the side of the building. He was leaning in to kiss me but I pushed him away. "Get off Mason."
"What the hell Bre?" He asked, trying to kiss me again.
"Stop it," I pushed him away again. "I don't like you, I have feelings for someone else."
"What do you mean, someone else?" Mason asked, giving up on trying to kiss me - thank God.
"I mean, I don't like you - like that. I like someone else, I have for a while now. I was wrong to lead you on, I'm sorry." I walked into the building, up the stairs, and to Jamie's dorm. The door was locked so I figured she was busy doing something. I walked back down the stairs and out into the night air. I decided to go for a walk. I walked down to the little bakery down the street and went inside.
There weren't many people inside, and most of them were old couples. I got a seat by one of the windows and watched the people inside the shop. I watched a little old man and his little old wife share a cupcake. I smiled a little, but stopped when I felt like a creep. So I looked at a different couple. An old man and woman were holding hands and smiling at each other. I got tired of people watching pretty soon, so I got up and walked to the counter, ringing a little bell.
A girl about my age came to the counter, smiling. "How may I help you?" She asked.
"Urm, can I have a cupcake?" I asked, getting my wallet out of my purse. She nodded and got a cupcake out for me. I gave her the money for it, and then thanked her, taking my cupcake with me.
I started my walk back to Jamie's dorm. I tore little pieces out of my cupcake, and nibbled on them. It was better than not eating at all. I looked down at it as I passed under a street light. It was chocolate, and there were little candy hearts on it. I felt sick.
I wrapped the cupcake back up and ran the rest of the way to Jamie's dorm. I ran up the stairs and to her door. This time it was unlocked. I walked inside, throwing my purse on the floor.
"Hey Bre, where have you been?" She asked, then she looked down at my hand. "What's that?"
"It's a cupcake, you want it?" I asked, tossing it to her. She caught it and opened it, smiling. "I went to the bakery after Mason tried to kiss me."
"I thought you liked him." Jamie said, a little confused.
"HA! You're funny James, you know I don't like anyone right now." I laughed, taking my shoes off. Jamie just winked at me, and I took that as she knew I was lying. Of course she knew. She knows everything. That's why her hair is so big. It's full of secrets.
I got ready for bed, and then made fun of Jamie for eating that cupcake. Finally, she got ready to sleep, but not before telling me about her night with Vince ;)

Love, Brenan♥

Friday, July 1, 2011

Sick Sad World

I got my last bag out of my car and took it into my apartment, putting it down in my room. I started to unpack everything, putting it all back to the way it was before I left. I came across my razors while I was unpacking, and I felt the sudden urge to use them. I laid them all out, my little rectangular one, my long slender one, and one I had taken out of a box cutter. I finished putting my things away, and then picked up my razors, taking them into the bathroom. I stepped on my scale, looking down to see how much I weighed. 80 pounds.
I groaned and got off my scale, pushing it as far away from me as I could. I hated it. It always told me I was too fat. I looked in the mirror, lifting up my shirt so I could look at my stomach. I was so fat. I looked at my face, revolted at how hideous I am. I took a towel and threw it over the mirror, blocking it from my view. My scale and my mirror were like constant reminders of how I would never be skinny, or pretty, or perfect.
I got out my razors, staring at them. I smiled as the light bounced off of them. I laid them down on my bathroom counter, taking a seat on the counter beside them. I criss-crossed my legs, and picked one of the razors up. I put it against my forearm, where I usually cut.
Then I dropped it. I knew I shouldn't cut, I knew it was bad. But lately it hadn't really even been about making me feel better about my problems. It was more about the fact that I felt like I had to. Like something inside of me was craving this. The feel of the blade on soft, clean skin. The sharp, familiar pain the razor brought. The bright red blood that oozed out of the cut and down my arm. Standing out against the pale skin of my arm, like a bright light in a black room.
My fingers were itching to hold the blade again, my skin was craving to be cut. I swallowed hard and picked up the blade I got from a box cutter, and put it up to my arm. Then I thought of something, and moved the blade down to my wrist. I positioned it in the nice crease in my skin that was made from where my skin bunches together when I turn my hand towards me. I had cut there before. I had a scar from when I had done it, too. I had had to go to the hospital because I sliced my vein open.
I figured if I did it again, I would probably die. So I pressed the blade down into the crease, and moved my arm quickly. A sharp stinging pain, and beads of blood were all that was left to show that the blade had even been there. I looked down at my wrist, it was barely bleeding. I hadn't cut deep enough. So I put the blade back in the same spot on my wrist, quickly moved it once more, and stared at my wrist. A deep cut was visible, and blood was running down my arm. I smiled to myself, and laid the blade on the counter. That was the last thing I did before passing out.

Brenan. xoxo
(x's = hugs, o's = butterfly kisses)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Hannibal and Karl, Two Unexpected Lovers.

So, over the past two days, Hannibal and I have gotten married. Now we live very successful lives. I am the host of a very popular talk show, called Karl. And Hannibal has a very wonderful modeling career. We are extremely happy with each other, and we are in love. We aren't thinking about kids right now, but we probably will later on in life. We reside in the beautiful hills of California. Hit us up.
Dear Hanni, I love you so fucking much. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm so glad you chose me over that faggot, Dimitri. Love, Karl.

Love, Karl.

Monday, May 23, 2011

You Are My Only One

I woke up, sweat was dripping off of my forehead, making my bangs stick to the sides of my face. I sighed and pushed them away, got out of the bed, and went into the bathroom to look at myself. I looked at the clock first, 1 A.M.. I groaned and washed my face, there was no point in trying to go back to sleep, I wouldn't be able to. I had yet another nightmare. That's my seventh since I've been here.
I was a trainwreck. I was still losing weight, yet my mind was still telling me I was fat. Not to mention, I was cutting again. I looked in the mirror, picking out my flaws. My thighs were too big, my face was hideous, I was too fat. I ran my fingers over the cuts on my left arm. I turned away from the mirror, ashamed of myself. I put on a hoodie and grabbed my phone, then left to go find Mason.
He had become a good friend of mine, and ever since I started having nightmares he was there for me. I knocked on the door to his dorm, but no one answered. I knocked again, still no one answered, so I got the spare key and unlocked the door, walking into the room. There was one bunk bed, and two small single beds in the room. There were clothes all over the floor, and it smelled like cologne. I found Mason's bed and sat down on it. It barely shifted under my 90 pound body. I shook Mace awake.
He opened his eyes and looked at me, he just nodded knowingly and got up. He threw on a pair of sneakers and we headed out of the dorm. Every time I had a nightmare we went down to this little coffeeshop that was just up the street from the campus. We would sit in the booth in the front of the shop, and drink coffee. Today was no different.
I sat down in the booth while Mace went to get the coffee. He came back and set the coffee's down on the table, then flipped his blonde hair out of his eyes and smiled at me, sitting down.
"So, what was it about this time?" He asked, putting some creamer and sugar in his coffee. I closed my eyes and thought about it. All I could see was his face.
"I can't remember," I lied, putting sugar in my coffee. He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Really?" He laughed. I just smiled back and sipped on my coffee, staring out the window. The rest of the morning was spent in silence. At 6:00, when the sun started coming up, we headed back to the dorms.
"Thanks Mace," I smiled, standing in front of the door to Jamie's dorm. "For everything."
"Hey, no problem Bre." He smiled, pulling me into a hug. I hugged him back, but let go quickly.
"I should probably get inside..." I mumbled, opening the door and walking in. I didn't look to see if Mace was still there, I just slammed the door shut. The girl's were already up, so it didn't matter.
"Hey Bre, where were you?" Jamie asked, walking out of the bathroom.
"I went to get coffee." I replied, sitting down on the bed.
"Bre, are you okay?" Jamie asked, sitting beside me. It was such a simple question. But I couldn't answer it, because I wasn't fine, but I wasn't about to tell Jamie that.
"Yeah, just tired." I nodded, getting under the covers and pretending to fall asleep.
I waited for everyone to leave before I went through my bag, I was about to give up until I found it, I pulled out the ring and stared at it. I felt my heart contract as I held back tears. I choked once before I gave up and let the tears roll down my cheeks.
I curled up in a ball and just cried. I thought about how he was back in Tulsa, and how he probably had a new girlfriend that treated him right, and how he probably didn't even remember me. I thought about how I was sitting here, crying, because I couldn't forget him. Because I didn't really mean anything to him, but he was everything to me. I let myself get attatched too easily. I'm my own worst enemy.
So I sat there, all day, letting myself recall every little memory, to the point where I was using every bit of my energy to cry, and then eventually, when I was out of energy, I would fall asleep. But I knew I would wake up soon, due to another nightmare.

Love, Breanna Lynn Parker.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I Hate This Town, It's So Washed Up And All My Friends Don't Give A Fuck

5 days. It had been 5 days since I had been in the hospital. I was bored out of my mind, no one came to visit, and the nurses gave me dirty looks. One of them even lectured me on not eating, and how it got me into this mess. It went a lot like this:
"I bet you wish you would've eaten now, don't you? Here you lay, dying. While all of your friends are out enjoying their lives, and not caring about you." She scoffed.
"My friends care." I whispered, I didn't have a lot of energy to talk.
"Oh really? Don't you think that if they cared they would be here, visiting you?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. She was an older woman. She was obviously bitter.
"Well..." I trailed off. She had me there. If my "friends" did care, they'd be here. But I knew I didn't have any friends anymore. After all the shit I'd done to them, they all hated me now, like they should. I didn't blame them. She put a food tray and a drink down on the little table by my bed and then walked out of the room. I took the top off of my food tray and examined it, grilled cheese and french fries.
I didn't touch it, I simply put the lid back on and got out of bed. I slowly made my way to the bathroom, grabbing my clothes from a shelf. I didn't have a lot of energy, so it took me a little while, but I made it out of the hospital without anyone noticing. They should really do their jobs better, those nurses.
I got a cab, told him my address, and then watched the familiar streets of Tulsa go by as we made our way to my apartment. I paid the cabbie and got out of the cab, I heard him drive away as I made my way up to my door. I saw Pierce and some girl kissing outside of his apartment. I rolled my eyes and opened my door. The first thing I noticed was the mess. The second thing I noticed were all of the empty pill bottles on the counter. Oh god, did I really take that many pills? I ran up to my room, and got out my suitcase. I stuffed all of my clothes in it, got all the shit I needed, put Theo in his cage and then took him and everything else to my car.
I got in the drivers seat and backed out of my parking space. I sped all the way out of Oklahoma. I was leaving it and all of it's depressing shit behind, and going to see Jamie at Yale.

It took forty fucking years, but I finally made it to Yale. I parked my car, and then made my way to the admissions office. Some old man was sitting at the desk, looking bored.
"How may I help you?" He asked, not looking up from a stack of papers.
"I'm looking for Alexandra Mathews." I smiled, leaning over the counter thing.
"Ma'am, we don't do that here. We only enroll students." The man looked up.
"Come on dude, I know you know where her dorm is!" I whined, running a hand through my hair. He sighed and gave me her dorm number. I thanked him and then left to go to her dorm.
I found the building she was in, went inside, figured out how the fucking number system works, and then made my way to her room. I ran up to her door and knocked as loud as I could, which was pretty loud.
Some blonde chick opened the door, "Hello?" She asked.
"Is Jamie here?" I asked, fixing my satchel. She turned around and yelled for Jamie. I bounced on my feet until Jamie came into my sight.
I immediately threw my arms around her. "ALEXANDER! I MISSED YOU!" I yelled in her ear. She pushed me away and complained about how much her ear hurt.
"Ow Bre, that really hurt." She whined. I rolled my eyes and smiled.
"You'll get over it, bro." I smiled, following her into her dorm.
"So, what exactly are you doing here, Bren?" Jamie asked, sitting on what I guessed was her bed.
"Well, Tulsa sucks dick. So I came to see you. I snuck out of the hospital, so you should feel loved." I smiled.
"What!? Why were you in the hospital?!" Jamie yelled.
"Oh you know, the norm. Not eating. Apparently I'm dying, I probably shouldn't be here." I laughed, sitting down next to her. "But here I ammmmm."
"You're retarded." Jamie sighed, smiling at me. I stuck my tongue out at her. "OH! by the way, this is Emma, comes Shelby." Jamie said, introducing me to her roommates. "Shayla's around here somewhere..." Jamie trailed off. Then a ginger walked into the room, and Jamie smiled. "There she is!"
We sat around and talked for a while, until Jamie brought up my stuff. So we went down to the parking lot and got my things. "Jesus Bre, how much did you bring?!" Jamie asked, grabbing a suitcase.
"Uhhh, everything?" I smiled, grabbing two bags and handing one to Shayla. Shelby and Emma each took one and then I got Theo. We walked back to the dorm, and discussed living arrangements.
"I guess you'll have to share with me, Bre." Jamie sighed, sitting my bag down in the room.
"Suh-weet!" I smiled, hugging her. "Did I ever tell you you're the best friend ever?" I smiled. She rolled her eyes and laughed. I think it'll be nice living here for a while, maybe I won't die.

Love, Bren.