goodbye baby bram :'(

The other day I was feeling really really bad, and I felt like I was going to faint. So I went to the hospital, I got the worst news I've ever heard. The doctor said that since I was anorexic and got pregnant the baby is getting all the nutrition and I'm under nourished. He said if I keep the baby, I will die and then so will the baby. So right now I'm in the hospital waiting to get an abortion, its awful. Just the thought of losing baby Bram tears me up inside. Even though he wasnt and wont be born, I still love him and always will. He was my baby, he is my baby. But, I want to be able to make more babies in the future, and I want to live. So I have to let him go. I have to go now, the doctor just came in to get me.

Moving Out. Part 2: Packing. lol

Today I decided it was a good day to move to Cristy's. So I started to get my stuff packed, but in the middle of packing Jamie called me. She said she was tired of being around Blair and Shep so she wanted to hang out. I told her that was fine but she'd have to help me pack. And apparently Blair and Shep are pretty bad cuz a few minutes later she showed up at Mark's house and started to help me pack. I had a lot of shit piled up in my closet. I had reaaally old stuff in there, I found my old teddy bear that I blamed Mark for losing at the park. I need to apologize to him for that. I also found some of my moms old pictures. There were so many, I saw baby me and baby Mark. And my dad, when he wasnt a druggie/alcoholic. We were a happy family, my mommy loved me. I miss her so much. I never really thought about her all that much until I found that box of pictures. It tore me apart inside to be honest. I had never thought about how she had tried to keep me and Mark safe, how she tried to fight back the night my dad killed her. How she told me and Mark to run. And how she had to plead with me when I didnt run.

To be honest, that night....I didnt want to run. Running away from my dad wasnt gonna save me, it wasnt going to save her, it wasnt going to fix the problem. And if I did run away from my dad, I wouldve ran away from my mother too, and I wasnt going to leave her there. I had wanted to fight my dad, to save my mom. Mark ran, I never understood why he ran. My dad had never really hurt him, just a few slaps. My dad liked to hurt me, he liked to beat me...rape me. Hurt me. Physically and emotionally. I remember my dad laughing as he killed my mom, maybe it was the control he thought he had at that moment, maybe it was the tears that were streaming down my face. Maybe it was because Mark was gone, and Mark was the only one who could have stopped him from hurting me, that night more than just my mom getting killed occured. My dad beat me and raped me. I never told anyone, I was a little scared.

I put the stuff away before I started crying and cleared my head. Jamie had been watching me the whole time. She said wow and I asked what she was talking about. Apparently I had said the whole thing out loud. "I didnt know all of that stuff happened to you Bre, I didnt know your mom was dead, you and Mark never talked about your parents." She hugged me and then we finished packing my stuff. It took like 5 trips to get all of it to the car. I pretty much took my whole room, minus the bed and dressers and stuff. We drove to Cristy's house and she helped us take the stuff inside. My room is right across the hall from hers. So if I get scared at night I can go sleep with her :3

I like living with my best friend, my PIC, my other half XD She is always there for me. (: I'm glad she was there for me this time. But I think, tomorrow, I'm going to go visit my dad. I intend on making him hurt...like I did for all those years. After I do that, I'm gonna go see my mom's grave. I think I'm just gonna sit there for a few hours, and tell her how I'm doing. Maybe reminisce on memories. But tonight, I'm gonna party with my best friend. ♥

Moving Out.

If any of you have read Markers post, which I'm pretty sure you have, I am a really bad sister. I made Stella cry, and I ruined her dress AND Marks party...I feel awful. I decided, after the party, that I'm moving out of Mark's house. I think I'm gonna move in with my dad....but I don't know if I'm allowed to. The reason me and my brother moved out in the first place was because my dad used to rape me, he beat me and Mark, and he killed my mom. The court made us move, and I dont know if I'm allowed to go back, but I am. I cant stand to be at Mark's house knowing all the trouble I've caused...I just cant. So to Mark and Stella, I'm really sorry for all the trouble I've caused, and I'll buy Stella a new dress.

New Friends...

The other night, me and Dawn thought it'd be tasty cool to go out. So we did, we went to The Dingo. Yeah, not the safest place ever...but like we really cared. Dawn wanted to go somewhere else because she thought it'd be safer for the thing in my tummy, but I said screw it. I'll be fine. So we left at around 10:00 and walked to The Dingo. Their were a lot of really bad ass greasers there. I even saw a few of Dally's ex's glaring at me. Ha ha. I just kinda blew them off, they couldn't do anything to me without starting a fight, and between me and Dawn...we could kick their asses. They obviously thought they could take us though because before we left Sylvia and a few other whores walked over to us. "So you're dating Dal now huh?" she rolled her eyes. "Yeah, obviously he has higher standards now. I don't blame him, I mean just look at yourselves." I smiled. "You're gonna wish you didn't say that, you pregnant bitch." So, she knew I was pregnant. How nice. She punched me in the stomach, I fell on the ground. Dawn walked up to Sylvia and decked her in the face. She fell flat on her ass, but got back up and took a swing at Dawn. I got back on my feet and started to slug the other whores. Dawn and me were losing though, I was in no shape to fight, and she just couldn't hit so many girls at once. But then this girl came over to us, at first I thought she was another one of Dally's ex's, but I had never seen her before so I knew she wasn't. She started to help us beat the whores. She got them to run away, scared shitless. Me and Dawn were pretty cut up and bloody, so she offered to take us home and help us get bandaged up. So we walked to her house. She said her name was Mackenzie Woods and she moved here with her brother Liam, because their dad's a druggie. We told her our names and our stories, which compared to hers, weren't much. Once we finished our stories, we were at her house. Her brother, Liam, was inside on the couch. He immediately jumped up and started helping us. He told us about himself as he cleaned our cuts. He was...really good looking. They seemed really nice, and they were good people. Even if they were from Brooklyn. I think all of you would like them if you ever met them. Maybe that's what we should do, we should all hang out with them. They need a gang, and we can never have too many people. And even Dawn likes them...and its hard for her to like people. I think we should at least give them a chance, they pretty much saved mine and Dawns lives... (: