I walked with Jamie to Buck's place, listening as she chatted on and on about Vince. I started to tune her out when Buck's place came into view. I saw a few people in the gang outside the door, smoking. As I got closer I realized it was Andrew, Dallas, Luke, Kyle, and some girl that was hanging all over him.
"Happy Birthday Bre," Kyle smiled, nodding in my direction. I nodded back, biting my lip. The others told me Happy Birthday, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy giving the girl Kyle brought dirty looks. Jamie noticed and took me inside. I noticed everyone else in the gang was inside, drinking and having a good time. They all noticed me and yelled Happy Birthday.
I didn't really drink much, I was too distracted. I was in the middle of my first drink when someone's arm was thrown around my shoulders. I turned to see one Kyle Brumley.
"Happy Birthday Bre," He smiled at me, hugging me.
"You already said that." I laughed, blushing. Why was I blushing?
"I can't say it twice?" He asked, smiling wider.
"Nope," I joked, shaking my head.
"Too bad, I do what I want." He laughed.
"No, you do what I tell you to do." I joked again.
"Yeah right, bitch. More like the other way around." He smiled down at me, then he looked over to his left and excused himself.
I watched him walk away, looking for whoever he brought tonight. Suddenly Jamie was in front of me.
"Bre." She smiled.
"Jamie, what do you want?" I asked, feeling sad.
"I just saw you and Brums, what's going on there?" She asked, sitting next to me on a stool.
"Nothing, he doesn't like me like that." I shook my head.
"How do you know?"
"I don't, I'm assuming."
"Why don't you find out for sure?" Jamie smirked.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, a little scared.
"Kiss him." She winked.
"No, no, no. He'll hate me forever." I shook my head.
"I doubt it." Jamie smiled, "You've kissed before, haven't you?"
"Yeah...but it was different then." I shook my head. "You don't understand."
"Yes I do, you liiiiiiike him." Jamie scoffed, smiling.
"Shut up. Someone might hear you." I rolled my eyes. We talked for a little while, until everyone started playing a game that was a mix of truth or dare and spin the bottle. We sat in a circle, and it was in boy-girl-boy-girl order. So Kyle was on my right, while Luke sat on my left. Jamie was sitting across from me in the circle, an evil smile on her face.
Everytime Jamie spun the bottle I hoped it didn't land on me, because either way she could make me either confess my feelings, or kiss Kyle. I've never been a lucky person, like..ever. So I wasn't too surprised when Jamie spun and it landed on me.
"Truth or dare, Bre?" Jamie smirked. I thought about it, and chose dare. "I dare you...to kiss Kyle." I looked over at Kyle, who happened to be sitting next to me, and hoped he was drunk like everyone else so he wouldn't remember this.
I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as he moved closer to me. I looked into his eyes, and hated that we had to kiss like this, over a dare. I bit my lip and looked over at Jamie, who was smiling smugly. I quickly pressed my lips to Kyle's before pulling away and sitting the way I was, but Kyle was staring at me. Jamie rolled her eyes at me as I smiled.
I spun the bottle, watching as it landed on Johnny, who picked truth. The game continued on as if nothing had happened. I tried to act like it was no big deal as I looked over at Kyle, who had his attention elsewhere. I smiled, wishing I hadn't pulled away so quickly.
Bren xoxo
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
i'm taking one step towards you, baby
I sighed and walked out into the fresh air, I was finally free from that hell-hole hospital. I had started eating again. As much as I hated it, I wanted out. I got a cab back to my place, got my things together, loaded up my car, and made my way back to Yale to see Jamie. It took forever, but I finally got there. I ran to Jamie's dorm and knocked on the door. She opened it up, her eyes getting wide as she saw me.
"Bre, what are you doing here? I thought you were in the hospital in Tulsa! When did you get out?!" She screamed, hugging me.
"Earlier today, actually." I laughed, scratching my head. "I came here as soon as I was let out."
I looked around the room, noticing her roommates were not there.
"I can't believe they let you out." Jamie shook her head, smiling.
"I started eating." I shrugged, acting like it was no big deal.
"WHAT?!" She screamed, hugging me. "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE NOW!"
"Jamie, chill." I laughed, getting her off of me.
"Whoa, what's going on in here?" I heard a guy ask. Jamie and I looked towards the door. It was Mason and some guy I didn't know. "We heard someone screaming and came to check it out."
"That was Jamie." I pointed, laughing. Jamie just gave me a look, and I stopped.
"Vince, what are you doing here?" Jamie asked.
"I came to ask you out on a date." Vince winked at Jamie. I could tell she didn't want to, so I decided to speak up.
"How about a double date? You and James, Mason and I." I offered, looking over at Jamie. She gave me a small smile and I knew I had done her a favor.
"Sure, I'm fine with it." Mason shrugged. Vince nodded and then both of the guys left, giving us time to get ready. I went to my car and got my bags while Jamie showered. By the time I had everything in the room she was out of the shower, so I got in and cleaned up. She was done fixing her hair by the time I got out of the shower. I fixed my hair while she picked out an outfit. By the time I was done fixing my hair she had an outfit on and was starting to help me pick out an outfit. I made Jamie wear a dress, while I wore a pair of skinny jeans, a tank top, and a jacket. Once we were dressed, we both brushed our teeth and by the time we were ready, it was about 30 minutes before the guys said they'd show up. So Jamie and I decided to catch up.
"So, who's this Vince fellow?" I asked, folding some shirts.
"Some jackass I met one night when I was drunken," She sighed, playing with her phone. I guessed she was talking to someone back home.
"Cute," I laughed, putting my suitcase back on the floor. We talked about nonsense until the boys came back to our room at 7:00.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vince and Mason took us to a very nice restaurant. Jamie and I sat beside each other, while Vince and Mason sat across from us. Mason kept trying to play footsie with me, but I ignored him. I had more important things on my mind. We ordered our food and ate, Vince and Jamie flirted, and I think by the end of dinner, Jamie was actually starting to like him.
Vince and Jamie drove back to the campus, but Mason insisted on walking me back.
"So where have you been for the past couple of weeks?" Mason asked, looking over at me as we walked.
"The hospital." I answered, not looking at him.
"What? Why?" He asked, concerned.
"I attempted suicide, and I hadn't eaten anything in the past couple months." I shrugged like it was no big deal, which it kinda wasn't.
"Why would you do that?" He asked.
"It's a long story, and I really don't have time to tell it to you." I wanted to get away from him, but I didn't know my way around this place. We finally made it to the dorm building, and I thought I could get away from him. I was mistaken. He moved closer to me, pushing me up against the side of the building. He was leaning in to kiss me but I pushed him away. "Get off Mason."
"What the hell Bre?" He asked, trying to kiss me again.
"Stop it," I pushed him away again. "I don't like you, I have feelings for someone else."
"What do you mean, someone else?" Mason asked, giving up on trying to kiss me - thank God.
"I mean, I don't like you - like that. I like someone else, I have for a while now. I was wrong to lead you on, I'm sorry." I walked into the building, up the stairs, and to Jamie's dorm. The door was locked so I figured she was busy doing something. I walked back down the stairs and out into the night air. I decided to go for a walk. I walked down to the little bakery down the street and went inside.
There weren't many people inside, and most of them were old couples. I got a seat by one of the windows and watched the people inside the shop. I watched a little old man and his little old wife share a cupcake. I smiled a little, but stopped when I felt like a creep. So I looked at a different couple. An old man and woman were holding hands and smiling at each other. I got tired of people watching pretty soon, so I got up and walked to the counter, ringing a little bell.
A girl about my age came to the counter, smiling. "How may I help you?" She asked.
"Urm, can I have a cupcake?" I asked, getting my wallet out of my purse. She nodded and got a cupcake out for me. I gave her the money for it, and then thanked her, taking my cupcake with me.
I started my walk back to Jamie's dorm. I tore little pieces out of my cupcake, and nibbled on them. It was better than not eating at all. I looked down at it as I passed under a street light. It was chocolate, and there were little candy hearts on it. I felt sick.
I wrapped the cupcake back up and ran the rest of the way to Jamie's dorm. I ran up the stairs and to her door. This time it was unlocked. I walked inside, throwing my purse on the floor.
"Hey Bre, where have you been?" She asked, then she looked down at my hand. "What's that?"
"It's a cupcake, you want it?" I asked, tossing it to her. She caught it and opened it, smiling. "I went to the bakery after Mason tried to kiss me."
"I thought you liked him." Jamie said, a little confused.
"HA! You're funny James, you know I don't like anyone right now." I laughed, taking my shoes off. Jamie just winked at me, and I took that as she knew I was lying. Of course she knew. She knows everything. That's why her hair is so big. It's full of secrets.
I got ready for bed, and then made fun of Jamie for eating that cupcake. Finally, she got ready to sleep, but not before telling me about her night with Vince ;)
Love, Brenan♥
"Bre, what are you doing here? I thought you were in the hospital in Tulsa! When did you get out?!" She screamed, hugging me.
"Earlier today, actually." I laughed, scratching my head. "I came here as soon as I was let out."
I looked around the room, noticing her roommates were not there.
"I can't believe they let you out." Jamie shook her head, smiling.
"I started eating." I shrugged, acting like it was no big deal.
"WHAT?!" She screamed, hugging me. "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE NOW!"
"Jamie, chill." I laughed, getting her off of me.
"Whoa, what's going on in here?" I heard a guy ask. Jamie and I looked towards the door. It was Mason and some guy I didn't know. "We heard someone screaming and came to check it out."
"That was Jamie." I pointed, laughing. Jamie just gave me a look, and I stopped.
"Vince, what are you doing here?" Jamie asked.
"I came to ask you out on a date." Vince winked at Jamie. I could tell she didn't want to, so I decided to speak up.
"How about a double date? You and James, Mason and I." I offered, looking over at Jamie. She gave me a small smile and I knew I had done her a favor.
"Sure, I'm fine with it." Mason shrugged. Vince nodded and then both of the guys left, giving us time to get ready. I went to my car and got my bags while Jamie showered. By the time I had everything in the room she was out of the shower, so I got in and cleaned up. She was done fixing her hair by the time I got out of the shower. I fixed my hair while she picked out an outfit. By the time I was done fixing my hair she had an outfit on and was starting to help me pick out an outfit. I made Jamie wear a dress, while I wore a pair of skinny jeans, a tank top, and a jacket. Once we were dressed, we both brushed our teeth and by the time we were ready, it was about 30 minutes before the guys said they'd show up. So Jamie and I decided to catch up.
"So, who's this Vince fellow?" I asked, folding some shirts.
"Some jackass I met one night when I was drunken," She sighed, playing with her phone. I guessed she was talking to someone back home.
"Cute," I laughed, putting my suitcase back on the floor. We talked about nonsense until the boys came back to our room at 7:00.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vince and Mason took us to a very nice restaurant. Jamie and I sat beside each other, while Vince and Mason sat across from us. Mason kept trying to play footsie with me, but I ignored him. I had more important things on my mind. We ordered our food and ate, Vince and Jamie flirted, and I think by the end of dinner, Jamie was actually starting to like him.
Vince and Jamie drove back to the campus, but Mason insisted on walking me back.
"So where have you been for the past couple of weeks?" Mason asked, looking over at me as we walked.
"The hospital." I answered, not looking at him.
"What? Why?" He asked, concerned.
"I attempted suicide, and I hadn't eaten anything in the past couple months." I shrugged like it was no big deal, which it kinda wasn't.
"Why would you do that?" He asked.
"It's a long story, and I really don't have time to tell it to you." I wanted to get away from him, but I didn't know my way around this place. We finally made it to the dorm building, and I thought I could get away from him. I was mistaken. He moved closer to me, pushing me up against the side of the building. He was leaning in to kiss me but I pushed him away. "Get off Mason."
"What the hell Bre?" He asked, trying to kiss me again.
"Stop it," I pushed him away again. "I don't like you, I have feelings for someone else."
"What do you mean, someone else?" Mason asked, giving up on trying to kiss me - thank God.
"I mean, I don't like you - like that. I like someone else, I have for a while now. I was wrong to lead you on, I'm sorry." I walked into the building, up the stairs, and to Jamie's dorm. The door was locked so I figured she was busy doing something. I walked back down the stairs and out into the night air. I decided to go for a walk. I walked down to the little bakery down the street and went inside.
There weren't many people inside, and most of them were old couples. I got a seat by one of the windows and watched the people inside the shop. I watched a little old man and his little old wife share a cupcake. I smiled a little, but stopped when I felt like a creep. So I looked at a different couple. An old man and woman were holding hands and smiling at each other. I got tired of people watching pretty soon, so I got up and walked to the counter, ringing a little bell.
A girl about my age came to the counter, smiling. "How may I help you?" She asked.
"Urm, can I have a cupcake?" I asked, getting my wallet out of my purse. She nodded and got a cupcake out for me. I gave her the money for it, and then thanked her, taking my cupcake with me.
I started my walk back to Jamie's dorm. I tore little pieces out of my cupcake, and nibbled on them. It was better than not eating at all. I looked down at it as I passed under a street light. It was chocolate, and there were little candy hearts on it. I felt sick.
I wrapped the cupcake back up and ran the rest of the way to Jamie's dorm. I ran up the stairs and to her door. This time it was unlocked. I walked inside, throwing my purse on the floor.
"Hey Bre, where have you been?" She asked, then she looked down at my hand. "What's that?"
"It's a cupcake, you want it?" I asked, tossing it to her. She caught it and opened it, smiling. "I went to the bakery after Mason tried to kiss me."
"I thought you liked him." Jamie said, a little confused.
"HA! You're funny James, you know I don't like anyone right now." I laughed, taking my shoes off. Jamie just winked at me, and I took that as she knew I was lying. Of course she knew. She knows everything. That's why her hair is so big. It's full of secrets.
I got ready for bed, and then made fun of Jamie for eating that cupcake. Finally, she got ready to sleep, but not before telling me about her night with Vince ;)
Love, Brenan♥
Friday, July 1, 2011
Sick Sad World
I got my last bag out of my car and took it into my apartment, putting it down in my room. I started to unpack everything, putting it all back to the way it was before I left. I came across my razors while I was unpacking, and I felt the sudden urge to use them. I laid them all out, my little rectangular one, my long slender one, and one I had taken out of a box cutter. I finished putting my things away, and then picked up my razors, taking them into the bathroom. I stepped on my scale, looking down to see how much I weighed. 80 pounds.
I groaned and got off my scale, pushing it as far away from me as I could. I hated it. It always told me I was too fat. I looked in the mirror, lifting up my shirt so I could look at my stomach. I was so fat. I looked at my face, revolted at how hideous I am. I took a towel and threw it over the mirror, blocking it from my view. My scale and my mirror were like constant reminders of how I would never be skinny, or pretty, or perfect.
I got out my razors, staring at them. I smiled as the light bounced off of them. I laid them down on my bathroom counter, taking a seat on the counter beside them. I criss-crossed my legs, and picked one of the razors up. I put it against my forearm, where I usually cut.
Then I dropped it. I knew I shouldn't cut, I knew it was bad. But lately it hadn't really even been about making me feel better about my problems. It was more about the fact that I felt like I had to. Like something inside of me was craving this. The feel of the blade on soft, clean skin. The sharp, familiar pain the razor brought. The bright red blood that oozed out of the cut and down my arm. Standing out against the pale skin of my arm, like a bright light in a black room.
My fingers were itching to hold the blade again, my skin was craving to be cut. I swallowed hard and picked up the blade I got from a box cutter, and put it up to my arm. Then I thought of something, and moved the blade down to my wrist. I positioned it in the nice crease in my skin that was made from where my skin bunches together when I turn my hand towards me. I had cut there before. I had a scar from when I had done it, too. I had had to go to the hospital because I sliced my vein open.
I figured if I did it again, I would probably die. So I pressed the blade down into the crease, and moved my arm quickly. A sharp stinging pain, and beads of blood were all that was left to show that the blade had even been there. I looked down at my wrist, it was barely bleeding. I hadn't cut deep enough. So I put the blade back in the same spot on my wrist, quickly moved it once more, and stared at my wrist. A deep cut was visible, and blood was running down my arm. I smiled to myself, and laid the blade on the counter. That was the last thing I did before passing out.
Love,
Brenan. xoxo
(x's = hugs, o's = butterfly kisses)
I groaned and got off my scale, pushing it as far away from me as I could. I hated it. It always told me I was too fat. I looked in the mirror, lifting up my shirt so I could look at my stomach. I was so fat. I looked at my face, revolted at how hideous I am. I took a towel and threw it over the mirror, blocking it from my view. My scale and my mirror were like constant reminders of how I would never be skinny, or pretty, or perfect.
I got out my razors, staring at them. I smiled as the light bounced off of them. I laid them down on my bathroom counter, taking a seat on the counter beside them. I criss-crossed my legs, and picked one of the razors up. I put it against my forearm, where I usually cut.
Then I dropped it. I knew I shouldn't cut, I knew it was bad. But lately it hadn't really even been about making me feel better about my problems. It was more about the fact that I felt like I had to. Like something inside of me was craving this. The feel of the blade on soft, clean skin. The sharp, familiar pain the razor brought. The bright red blood that oozed out of the cut and down my arm. Standing out against the pale skin of my arm, like a bright light in a black room.
My fingers were itching to hold the blade again, my skin was craving to be cut. I swallowed hard and picked up the blade I got from a box cutter, and put it up to my arm. Then I thought of something, and moved the blade down to my wrist. I positioned it in the nice crease in my skin that was made from where my skin bunches together when I turn my hand towards me. I had cut there before. I had a scar from when I had done it, too. I had had to go to the hospital because I sliced my vein open.
I figured if I did it again, I would probably die. So I pressed the blade down into the crease, and moved my arm quickly. A sharp stinging pain, and beads of blood were all that was left to show that the blade had even been there. I looked down at my wrist, it was barely bleeding. I hadn't cut deep enough. So I put the blade back in the same spot on my wrist, quickly moved it once more, and stared at my wrist. A deep cut was visible, and blood was running down my arm. I smiled to myself, and laid the blade on the counter. That was the last thing I did before passing out.
Love,
Brenan. xoxo
(x's = hugs, o's = butterfly kisses)
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