I had started to live on a sort of routine these past few weeks. Wake up, shower, cut, go out, come home, cut, get ready, go to a party, drink, smoke weed, do other kinds of drugs, come home, cut, drink some more, sleep.
I woke up this morning and went down to the kitchen. I opened an empty cabinet before shutting it. I got a glass of water before heading back upstairs and to the bathroom to shower. I stopped in front of the mirror. My clothes were hanging off of my too-thin body, my hair looked like shit, I had bags under my eyes, and cuts up and down my arms. I took my shower, got dressed, and headed out. I heard my phone ringing so I picked it up.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Hey Breezy." Dawn cheered on the other end.
"Hey D. What's up?" I asked.
"You wanna hang out today mi amigo?" She asked.
"Sure deal, but I'm coming over to your house." I agreed.
"I'm not home. Come to the park-o across from the Curtis's place." She said before hanging up. I made my way to the park. I saw the Curtis's, the Cade's, Jamie, Blair, Carson, and 2/4 of the Brum-tards there. They were playing football. I got out of the car, pulled down the sleeves on my hoodie, and made my way over to everyone.
"Hey Dawn." I waved, she came over to me.
"What're you doing wearing a sweater silly? It feels good out today!" She smiled.
"I'm cold." I shook my head.
"Tard. Come play football with us." Dawn smiled, grabbing my hand and pulling me over to everyone.
"Okay, Bre, you can be on my team. We're team Awesome." Carson smiled. I laughed and went to stand by her. Everyone except for Brook was playing, because she can't play sports. xD
Anywhooo, so we played some football and blah blah blah.
Then me and Dawnold went for a walk. We talked about all kinds of stuff. And bonded. But then she told me that she wanted to get a divorce because she was going to marry Timothy now and I got sad. But she bought me chocolates to make up for it. <3
That's pretty much it. What a shitty post.
Love,
Brenan. <3>
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
What's So Good About Picking Up The Pieces? What If I Don't Even Want To..
"Fine! It's over! I hope you're fucking happy!" I screamed as Andrew walked away from me and to his car. I took off my ring and threw it across the room. It hit the window, bounced off, and landed somewhere in the corner. I didn't care about the damn thing anymore. I didn't care about anything that had to do with Andrew anymore.
I stormed up the stairs, and into the room we used to share. I noticed how empty the room was now, with all of his stuff gone. I bit my lip to hold back tears, but it didn't help. I broke down in the middle of the floor. Just days ago everything was perfect, but I didn't expect it to stay that way forever. But I would've liked it to have stayed that way for just a while longer.
After my crying fit I called Cristy and asked if she could come over, her words were slurred but at the moment I could care less. When she got to my house it was obvious that she was wasted. The half-empty bottle of Bacardi in her hand wouldn't help her much, but I didn't say anything.
"What's up Bre?" She slurred, sitting down and taking a swig.
"Andrew and I broke up." I tried to act chill but my voice cracked and I felt the tears in my eyes.
"I'm sorry Bre, what happened?" She asked, trying to grab my hand but missing it and letting hers fall back to her side.
Then I proceeded to tell her what happened. Andrew had snapped at me, saying he was tired of having to "prove" that he loved me even though I "cheat" and he's still around after everything I do to him. And when I told him sorry all he did was yell some more. "And so I told him we should just break up, he seemed so happy when I ended it. Maybe he never really loved me...maybe no one ever really loved me...and I'm stuck going through the same situation over and over again, never having a happy ending." I whispered, letting a few silent tears roll down my face. Then I thought of something. I hadn't done it in a while, and now I had this odd craving to feel a cool blade against my skin again. I looked over at Cris and noticed she was asleep on the couch now. I smiled, getting up and walking to the kitchen.
I went to the top drawer on the left side of the sink. I opened it and looked at all the different knives inside. I pulled one out and smiled at it. "You're a pretty one, aren't you?" I whispered, turning the blade in my hand, making it shine in the light. I felt like I was separated from myself, watching someone else take over my body and mind. Someone scary.
I went into the bathroom and sat on the counter. I pulled my sleeve up and looked at my arm, showing scars from old cuts. I brought the blade up, pressed it against my forearm, and drug it across, applying pressure the whole time. I pulled the blade away and smiled when fresh red blood rolled down my arm. I did a few more cuts on my arm, and then washed the blood off. I pulled my sleeve down and walked back into the kitchen, putting the knife in the sink. I woke Cris up and told her she could stay in the spare bedroom tonight. Then I got into bed....alone. I cried myself to sleep.
Love, Brenan.
I stormed up the stairs, and into the room we used to share. I noticed how empty the room was now, with all of his stuff gone. I bit my lip to hold back tears, but it didn't help. I broke down in the middle of the floor. Just days ago everything was perfect, but I didn't expect it to stay that way forever. But I would've liked it to have stayed that way for just a while longer.
After my crying fit I called Cristy and asked if she could come over, her words were slurred but at the moment I could care less. When she got to my house it was obvious that she was wasted. The half-empty bottle of Bacardi in her hand wouldn't help her much, but I didn't say anything.
"What's up Bre?" She slurred, sitting down and taking a swig.
"Andrew and I broke up." I tried to act chill but my voice cracked and I felt the tears in my eyes.
"I'm sorry Bre, what happened?" She asked, trying to grab my hand but missing it and letting hers fall back to her side.
Then I proceeded to tell her what happened. Andrew had snapped at me, saying he was tired of having to "prove" that he loved me even though I "cheat" and he's still around after everything I do to him. And when I told him sorry all he did was yell some more. "And so I told him we should just break up, he seemed so happy when I ended it. Maybe he never really loved me...maybe no one ever really loved me...and I'm stuck going through the same situation over and over again, never having a happy ending." I whispered, letting a few silent tears roll down my face. Then I thought of something. I hadn't done it in a while, and now I had this odd craving to feel a cool blade against my skin again. I looked over at Cris and noticed she was asleep on the couch now. I smiled, getting up and walking to the kitchen.
I went to the top drawer on the left side of the sink. I opened it and looked at all the different knives inside. I pulled one out and smiled at it. "You're a pretty one, aren't you?" I whispered, turning the blade in my hand, making it shine in the light. I felt like I was separated from myself, watching someone else take over my body and mind. Someone scary.
I went into the bathroom and sat on the counter. I pulled my sleeve up and looked at my arm, showing scars from old cuts. I brought the blade up, pressed it against my forearm, and drug it across, applying pressure the whole time. I pulled the blade away and smiled when fresh red blood rolled down my arm. I did a few more cuts on my arm, and then washed the blood off. I pulled my sleeve down and walked back into the kitchen, putting the knife in the sink. I woke Cris up and told her she could stay in the spare bedroom tonight. Then I got into bed....alone. I cried myself to sleep.
Love, Brenan.
Friday, February 4, 2011
but it's better if you do pt. 1
Earlier this week I had dinner with my dad and it was kind of…weird. It was really obvious that both he and Andrew were uncomfortable. They both seemed pretty relieved when dinner was over. I said goodbye to my dad and made sure he got to his car safely before going back into the house. Andrew was leaning against the wall, just looking at me.
“What?” I asked, looking myself up and down thinking maybe I had gotten something on my clothes.
“Nothing, you’re just really pretty.” He laughed, pushing himself off of the wall and walking upstairs. I followed him.
“What? You tell me I’m pretty and then just walk away?” I asked, following him up the stairs. He shrugged and looked back at me. He walked into our room and I followed him in. He walked past me and shut the door before attacking my lips with his. So this is what he wanted. I smiled and bit his lip ring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I think you know what happens here)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I rolled over and smiled at Andrew, he smiled back. It was the first time we had fucked since we got married. I took his hand and started playing with his fingers.
“So, I’m guessing you don’t like my dad?” I asked, lacing my fingers with his.
“Well…it’s just weird, he’s never known about you, and he walks into your life suddenly. And you two are close, after just meeting each other, I mean. I’m not saying I don’t like him, I’m just saying I’m not used to the idea of you having a father.” He shrugged.
“Oh, I see. It just seemed like you were really uncomfortable at dinner.” I looked up at him. My stomach did little summersaults. It was always like that whenever he was around.
“Yeah, some people from work called me before dinner and I have a really dangerous job tomorrow morning.” He avoided my eyes. I sighed and rolled away from him. He grabbed me and pulled me back. “Hey, stop it. Bre please, look at me.”
I rolled over and looked at him. “Don’t go.” I whispered. “What if…something happens? You said it’s dangerous…I can’t lose you.”
“I have to do it Breanna, I’m sorry.” He whispered, touching my cheek. I got out of the bed and went to take a shower. I wasn’t going to look at him. Or talk to him. Or act like he even existed. I looked at the clock on the counter, 4:30 A.M. He would be leaving soon anyways.
After my shower it was 5:00 and Andrew was gone. I sighed and got ready; I did my hair and all that jazz. I didn't do much but I called Cristy and asked her if we could hang out this weekend. Andrew came home a few hours later and he was fine, so I quit ignoring him. Blah blah blah. there's gonna be a second part to this later. :s
Love, Brenangelo.
“What?” I asked, looking myself up and down thinking maybe I had gotten something on my clothes.
“Nothing, you’re just really pretty.” He laughed, pushing himself off of the wall and walking upstairs. I followed him.
“What? You tell me I’m pretty and then just walk away?” I asked, following him up the stairs. He shrugged and looked back at me. He walked into our room and I followed him in. He walked past me and shut the door before attacking my lips with his. So this is what he wanted. I smiled and bit his lip ring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I think you know what happens here)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I rolled over and smiled at Andrew, he smiled back. It was the first time we had fucked since we got married. I took his hand and started playing with his fingers.
“So, I’m guessing you don’t like my dad?” I asked, lacing my fingers with his.
“Well…it’s just weird, he’s never known about you, and he walks into your life suddenly. And you two are close, after just meeting each other, I mean. I’m not saying I don’t like him, I’m just saying I’m not used to the idea of you having a father.” He shrugged.
“Oh, I see. It just seemed like you were really uncomfortable at dinner.” I looked up at him. My stomach did little summersaults. It was always like that whenever he was around.
“Yeah, some people from work called me before dinner and I have a really dangerous job tomorrow morning.” He avoided my eyes. I sighed and rolled away from him. He grabbed me and pulled me back. “Hey, stop it. Bre please, look at me.”
I rolled over and looked at him. “Don’t go.” I whispered. “What if…something happens? You said it’s dangerous…I can’t lose you.”
“I have to do it Breanna, I’m sorry.” He whispered, touching my cheek. I got out of the bed and went to take a shower. I wasn’t going to look at him. Or talk to him. Or act like he even existed. I looked at the clock on the counter, 4:30 A.M. He would be leaving soon anyways.
After my shower it was 5:00 and Andrew was gone. I sighed and got ready; I did my hair and all that jazz. I didn't do much but I called Cristy and asked her if we could hang out this weekend. Andrew came home a few hours later and he was fine, so I quit ignoring him. Blah blah blah. there's gonna be a second part to this later. :s
Love, Brenangelo.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
New Perspective
I looked through the cemetary. I hadn't been here since I was a kid. "Where are you Mom?" I whispered to myself, looking at all of the gravestones. Then I found hers, only some high-class looking man was standing there. I walked up to him and stood beside him.
"Who are you?" I asked, not looking at him.
"My name is Phillip Reynolds, I was in love with her, Rebecca, I mean." He replied, "What about you? Aren't you a bit young to know her?"
"She was my mother. My name is Breanna and I'm 18." I looked up at the man, I knew he was my father, I mean my real father. I could see similarites between us. "My father...he left, or maybe my mom left him...I don't know, but he wasn't there. We lived with Mr. Parker, he killed her, and abused me. His son and I took him to court, only the judge said..."
"That your last name is Reynolds, and not Parker?" He finished for me. I nodded. He walked me over to a bench not too far away. "Sit, and I'll explain everything." I sat down and he sat next to me. "We were going to get married, she was pregnant with you, we were both happy...more than happy, more like ecstatic. We both wanted to be married, and to have a child. But something changed...your mother left, I never loved anyone else."
"She never dated anyone, so I think she loved you too." I smiled. "She always said I reminded her of my father, of you."
"If I would have known that she had you, I would have been there. I wish I could have been there for you, instead of that god-awful Parker. He was always violent, I never liked him. He was such a low-life, I don't know how your mother put up with him. I never had problems with her other friends, the Brumley's, the Curtis's, the Randle's. In fact, I actually liked them. Of course it was wrong, or that's what my friends told me, they told me I should leave her. It wasn't acceptable for me to like a greaser. But I didn't care, I loved her, I still love her." He admitted, crossing his hands in his lap. I reached over and put my hand on his. He looked up at me and I just smiled.
"She loves you, too. And don't blame yourself for anything Mr. Parker did, it wasn't your fault. I took care of him anyways," I laughed a little, "But, if I could, I'd like to see you again, after all you are my father."
"You can come see me anytime, my door will always be open for you." He smiled. We exchanged numbers and hugs. I nervously played with my ring as we walked back to our cars. "What's that?" He asked, taking my hand and looking at my wedding ring. "You're married? You're only 18, you're too young! Who is the boy? Does he have a job?"
"Dad, chill." I laughed but stopped quickly, should I not have said Dad? He just smiled at the name, so I continued. "His name is Andrew, Andrew Brumley. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, I love him. Yes, he has a job." I laced my hands together.
"I want to meet him." My dad looked serious.
"Really? Why?" I asked.
"I want to make sure he's good for you." He replied, standing behind me as I got in my car.
"Fine, you can meet him this weekend, I'll make dinner and you can come over. How does that sound?" I asked, looking up at him from inside the car.
"Sounds like a plan, I'll call you." He smiled, before walking to his car and leaving.
I drove home to find Andrew asleep on the couch. I walked over to him and took his hand, lacing my fingers through his. I sat down on the edge of the couch and pushed his stomach.
"Wake uuuuuup." I whispered in his ear. "Wake uuuuuuuuuuuuup." He didn't wake up. Faggot. "Wake the fuck up!" I yelled in his ear. He woke up, and he looked pissed off. "You look so cute when you sleep." I smiled. He just gave me a look and made room for me on the couch.
"Why'd you wake me up?" He asked, wrapping an arm around me.
"Well, if you must know. I met my father today. My real father. He's really nice, but he's like uber rich and Soc-ish. He wants to meet you this weekend..." I trailed off, looking at him with my puppy dog eyes. They won him over every time.
"Fine, I'll meet him." He sighed. "Do I have to dress up?" He asked. I nodded and he groaned. "Just be glad I love you, or I wouldn't be doing any of this." I smiled and kissed him.
"Thanks!"
Love, Brenan. <3
"Who are you?" I asked, not looking at him.
"My name is Phillip Reynolds, I was in love with her, Rebecca, I mean." He replied, "What about you? Aren't you a bit young to know her?"
"She was my mother. My name is Breanna and I'm 18." I looked up at the man, I knew he was my father, I mean my real father. I could see similarites between us. "My father...he left, or maybe my mom left him...I don't know, but he wasn't there. We lived with Mr. Parker, he killed her, and abused me. His son and I took him to court, only the judge said..."
"That your last name is Reynolds, and not Parker?" He finished for me. I nodded. He walked me over to a bench not too far away. "Sit, and I'll explain everything." I sat down and he sat next to me. "We were going to get married, she was pregnant with you, we were both happy...more than happy, more like ecstatic. We both wanted to be married, and to have a child. But something changed...your mother left, I never loved anyone else."
"She never dated anyone, so I think she loved you too." I smiled. "She always said I reminded her of my father, of you."
"If I would have known that she had you, I would have been there. I wish I could have been there for you, instead of that god-awful Parker. He was always violent, I never liked him. He was such a low-life, I don't know how your mother put up with him. I never had problems with her other friends, the Brumley's, the Curtis's, the Randle's. In fact, I actually liked them. Of course it was wrong, or that's what my friends told me, they told me I should leave her. It wasn't acceptable for me to like a greaser. But I didn't care, I loved her, I still love her." He admitted, crossing his hands in his lap. I reached over and put my hand on his. He looked up at me and I just smiled.
"She loves you, too. And don't blame yourself for anything Mr. Parker did, it wasn't your fault. I took care of him anyways," I laughed a little, "But, if I could, I'd like to see you again, after all you are my father."
"You can come see me anytime, my door will always be open for you." He smiled. We exchanged numbers and hugs. I nervously played with my ring as we walked back to our cars. "What's that?" He asked, taking my hand and looking at my wedding ring. "You're married? You're only 18, you're too young! Who is the boy? Does he have a job?"
"Dad, chill." I laughed but stopped quickly, should I not have said Dad? He just smiled at the name, so I continued. "His name is Andrew, Andrew Brumley. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, I love him. Yes, he has a job." I laced my hands together.
"I want to meet him." My dad looked serious.
"Really? Why?" I asked.
"I want to make sure he's good for you." He replied, standing behind me as I got in my car.
"Fine, you can meet him this weekend, I'll make dinner and you can come over. How does that sound?" I asked, looking up at him from inside the car.
"Sounds like a plan, I'll call you." He smiled, before walking to his car and leaving.
I drove home to find Andrew asleep on the couch. I walked over to him and took his hand, lacing my fingers through his. I sat down on the edge of the couch and pushed his stomach.
"Wake uuuuuup." I whispered in his ear. "Wake uuuuuuuuuuuuup." He didn't wake up. Faggot. "Wake the fuck up!" I yelled in his ear. He woke up, and he looked pissed off. "You look so cute when you sleep." I smiled. He just gave me a look and made room for me on the couch.
"Why'd you wake me up?" He asked, wrapping an arm around me.
"Well, if you must know. I met my father today. My real father. He's really nice, but he's like uber rich and Soc-ish. He wants to meet you this weekend..." I trailed off, looking at him with my puppy dog eyes. They won him over every time.
"Fine, I'll meet him." He sighed. "Do I have to dress up?" He asked. I nodded and he groaned. "Just be glad I love you, or I wouldn't be doing any of this." I smiled and kissed him.
"Thanks!"
Love, Brenan. <3
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